Is it just me?

I am trying so hard to enjoy the holidays, with all the hustle and bustle and the crazy shoppers and maniac drivers...it is difficult some days. I am almost finished, FINALLY! :) Now the family drama kicks in. Big brother won't come because the nephew who did something absolutely unthinkable to him is going to come..OR...the nephew or brother in law won't come because; A: someone else in the family is going to be there, or B: someone, or all the family hates him. Me, I tried to be neutral, and for years it has worked to a degree. I often times wonder if the drama such as this isn't what contributed to my mother's high blood pressure and in the end caused her to leave this world before her time. Since my mom's passing, five years now, there has only been one Christmas and Thanksgiving that the whole family was together, without her I mean.

The first one! In the years since, my older sister just stopped talking to my older brother and then my younger sister pissed him off by butting in where she shouldn't have been. Soooooo then the next two years were without my big brother, so I would take him a plate because he was all alone. Now, it's my nephew and my older brother because he moved in with him and couldn't follow the lifestyle that my brother lives. Not that my brother wanted him to join a new religion or anything, just that my brother has a very clean house and intends for it to stay this way, someone even the least bit lazy and my brother would not get along. In the end, my nephew just moved out without so much as a notice and then called the police to help him retrieve his belongings....not necessary. That began a whole new drama. Now my sister, his mom and her daughter have been on the outs since she moved away and had a baby. I have tried to have an open mind to the whole situation. I love my niece and both her brothers as well as my great niece, but sometimes you just have to say ENOUGH!

I made my niece an ornament last Christmas, her first, and bought a few things as well as making her a bear. I went to my nieces to take her a crib and other things for the baby before she was born, dragging all three of my kids an hour away. THEN, I went to her shower with my youngest, two hours away. THEN, I went to the hospital after the baby was born with my youngest in tow, also an hour away. After that, I drove and met her halfway, not by choice, had planned on going to her home, other plans...for her...came up(understandable), and we bought them lunch. The baby was four weeks old, and the last time I saw her was at HIS families home for her first birthday. This year she lied, she told me herself, to her mother and then to me(to cover her tracks she said), about what she and the baby and her baby's daddy were doing Thanksgiving. I found this out because I called to see if what I got my great niece this year was going to be ok, only to find out they were going to HIS families house again. There is always an excuse, she can't drive alone, or he's got personal reasons, or they have no gas, or...or...or....PLEASE...no more excuses.

I do not work, well, I do, but it's not set in stone as far as a 9 to 5 type job, it is forever unsteady. My husband, works two jobs and at times goes back in to his first job after he leaves his second, so, he basically works three shifts in one day. We all have troubles, but I always felt like family is family no matter what. Now, I finally told my niece that that was it, I can't take it anymore, I've been understanding, supportive and nurturing. NO MORE. I'M DONE. She want's us to come to her, but she's not willing to come here. I hate the holidays sometimes, and sometimes....I wish that I could just not FEEL, I'm tired of being too damned nice and then getting stomped on. I'm tired of expressing how I feel and then being made to feel like I have no right to feel this way, please....give me a f'n break!

Please!

I don't know why, I don't begin to understand how, someone can sit and so blatantly bash not one, but many and not see what they have done. I am no better, but certainly not worse than anyone else in this world. I don't pretend to be anyone other than who I am. I am a mom, a first mom in the midst of a reunion of sorts, and a woman, and a human being. I love, I cry, I hurt, I get angry...I can yell with the best of them and I can give the cold shoulder if need be.
This world has many hardships, no one is immune. We all have our journey, each with different obstacles to overcome and many that we have managed to overcome and become stronger individuals for having done so.

There are times when there is too much for me to take, during these times I raise my hands to God and tell him so. I tell him no more...please no more, not now, I can't take anymore right now. I must confess, it gets better, for a time, then the ball starts rolling again. Kids are sick, the car is shot, the house is falling apart...I AM FALLING APART! LOL
I will survive, I am a survivor. I am strong, I take pride in that...I get it from my mom. Not saying that things don't get me down, that I don't get depressed, that I don't "lose it" from time to time. I'm not a machine for Pete's sake, I'm only human flesh and blood like everyone else. I love my kids, I love my husband, I love my life....this is MY life, and I'm thankful for every bit of it. This makes me who I am, where would I be without it? I don't let the tribulations in life make me a victim, I overcome or I get passed it and move on. I refuse to be a victim, I refuse to wallow in my pain. I will be strong...I will overcome, I will be me in every sense of the word. Don't judge me, unless you can say that you are without faults, don't cast that stone unless you are willing to take back what you dish out. An old saying or two that I believe with all my heart and have seen come true over and over again. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" and "What goes around comes around". Words to live by.

My Poetry(one of many)

Gift of God

Something heavenly to behold

A sight more precious than any gold

Her pale blue eyes so wide and bright

With soft pink skin all aglow with life

A special sparkle from within

No other could ever take her place

Not ever could they fill the space

Her life a specal gift to some

A joy to them for times to come

Her heart will fill with love for them

To them she is a precious gem

For others will always love her so

At least they will forever know

She is loved so much by many that care

Thier shining faces with love all aglow

Now have the chance to know

What holding a little one of thier own

To which all thier love will go

With plenty of pictures to be shown

Daddy's little girl

Mommy's little baby

With soft fine hair for mommy to curl

And many a new dress to make her beautiful

Her little body an armful

She is a GIFT OF GOD

MLF;May 1986

It is certainly not a masterpiece, but there it is :). This was written when my hurt was still so raw, I was only 17, but I may as well have been an old woman. I surpassed all my friends with a knowledge few if any of them would ever experience. When placing a child, your child, your flesh, your blood, a part of your heart and soul, into someone elses arms, entrusting them with a most precious and irreplacable peace of your being. You are forever changed, hopefully, that change enhances who you become in a positive way and not the negative. But no matter what that change, it is immenent and it cannot be avoided, or tucked away to face at a later time, it is always there, lurking, waiting to rear up and let you know that you are always missing something. With time comes a sort of peace for some, for others it lies just short of thier reach. I pray that you find it and that life brings you joy and happiness for the New Year on the horizon and all the years that follow.

Tinsel, Lights, Music and Memories

It's not that I don't think of my mom at any other time of the year. It seams as if Christmastime just amplifies those feelings of loss and grief. I hear songs or see Christmas lights or families bringing home trees tied to the roof of thier cars. These remind me of years gone by, Christmas's past. It's been five years yet sometimes it feels as though it's only been days. The kids do something funny or maybe they're driving me nuts and I just want to pick up the phone and share. Other times I want to ask her for her advice on something or just to hear her words of encouragement when I'm feeling lost.

I can't call her on the phone, I can't show up on her doorstep. My kids can't see there MeMe and she can't see them. Travis and Caleb will never know my mom, this tears me up. I want to enjoy Christmas again, I want to be excited for my kids. I know that they are just as excited as I was at thier ages. I want to feel that again. Now, looking back, I wonder how my mom felt at this time of year. I was around the same age as Katlyn was when my granny passed away. It's ironic to me sometimes, and scary too. Katlyn was just six when my mom left us, the same as I was when my granny passed.

I still talk to my mom everyday and I look for something, anything, a sign to let me know she's still around. Sometimes I feel like she's next to me, watching me, watching her grandkids. Other times I feel as though she's far far away. I know however, that she's always here, with me, with us. In our hearts and memories. Love you Mom....