Is it just me?

I am trying so hard to enjoy the holidays, with all the hustle and bustle and the crazy shoppers and maniac drivers...it is difficult some days. I am almost finished, FINALLY! :) Now the family drama kicks in. Big brother won't come because the nephew who did something absolutely unthinkable to him is going to come..OR...the nephew or brother in law won't come because; A: someone else in the family is going to be there, or B: someone, or all the family hates him. Me, I tried to be neutral, and for years it has worked to a degree. I often times wonder if the drama such as this isn't what contributed to my mother's high blood pressure and in the end caused her to leave this world before her time. Since my mom's passing, five years now, there has only been one Christmas and Thanksgiving that the whole family was together, without her I mean.

The first one! In the years since, my older sister just stopped talking to my older brother and then my younger sister pissed him off by butting in where she shouldn't have been. Soooooo then the next two years were without my big brother, so I would take him a plate because he was all alone. Now, it's my nephew and my older brother because he moved in with him and couldn't follow the lifestyle that my brother lives. Not that my brother wanted him to join a new religion or anything, just that my brother has a very clean house and intends for it to stay this way, someone even the least bit lazy and my brother would not get along. In the end, my nephew just moved out without so much as a notice and then called the police to help him retrieve his belongings....not necessary. That began a whole new drama. Now my sister, his mom and her daughter have been on the outs since she moved away and had a baby. I have tried to have an open mind to the whole situation. I love my niece and both her brothers as well as my great niece, but sometimes you just have to say ENOUGH!

I made my niece an ornament last Christmas, her first, and bought a few things as well as making her a bear. I went to my nieces to take her a crib and other things for the baby before she was born, dragging all three of my kids an hour away. THEN, I went to her shower with my youngest, two hours away. THEN, I went to the hospital after the baby was born with my youngest in tow, also an hour away. After that, I drove and met her halfway, not by choice, had planned on going to her home, other plans...for her...came up(understandable), and we bought them lunch. The baby was four weeks old, and the last time I saw her was at HIS families home for her first birthday. This year she lied, she told me herself, to her mother and then to me(to cover her tracks she said), about what she and the baby and her baby's daddy were doing Thanksgiving. I found this out because I called to see if what I got my great niece this year was going to be ok, only to find out they were going to HIS families house again. There is always an excuse, she can't drive alone, or he's got personal reasons, or they have no gas, or...or...or....PLEASE...no more excuses.

I do not work, well, I do, but it's not set in stone as far as a 9 to 5 type job, it is forever unsteady. My husband, works two jobs and at times goes back in to his first job after he leaves his second, so, he basically works three shifts in one day. We all have troubles, but I always felt like family is family no matter what. Now, I finally told my niece that that was it, I can't take it anymore, I've been understanding, supportive and nurturing. NO MORE. I'M DONE. She want's us to come to her, but she's not willing to come here. I hate the holidays sometimes, and sometimes....I wish that I could just not FEEL, I'm tired of being too damned nice and then getting stomped on. I'm tired of expressing how I feel and then being made to feel like I have no right to feel this way, please....give me a f'n break!

Please!

I don't know why, I don't begin to understand how, someone can sit and so blatantly bash not one, but many and not see what they have done. I am no better, but certainly not worse than anyone else in this world. I don't pretend to be anyone other than who I am. I am a mom, a first mom in the midst of a reunion of sorts, and a woman, and a human being. I love, I cry, I hurt, I get angry...I can yell with the best of them and I can give the cold shoulder if need be.
This world has many hardships, no one is immune. We all have our journey, each with different obstacles to overcome and many that we have managed to overcome and become stronger individuals for having done so.

There are times when there is too much for me to take, during these times I raise my hands to God and tell him so. I tell him no more...please no more, not now, I can't take anymore right now. I must confess, it gets better, for a time, then the ball starts rolling again. Kids are sick, the car is shot, the house is falling apart...I AM FALLING APART! LOL
I will survive, I am a survivor. I am strong, I take pride in that...I get it from my mom. Not saying that things don't get me down, that I don't get depressed, that I don't "lose it" from time to time. I'm not a machine for Pete's sake, I'm only human flesh and blood like everyone else. I love my kids, I love my husband, I love my life....this is MY life, and I'm thankful for every bit of it. This makes me who I am, where would I be without it? I don't let the tribulations in life make me a victim, I overcome or I get passed it and move on. I refuse to be a victim, I refuse to wallow in my pain. I will be strong...I will overcome, I will be me in every sense of the word. Don't judge me, unless you can say that you are without faults, don't cast that stone unless you are willing to take back what you dish out. An old saying or two that I believe with all my heart and have seen come true over and over again. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" and "What goes around comes around". Words to live by.

My Poetry(one of many)

Gift of God

Something heavenly to behold

A sight more precious than any gold

Her pale blue eyes so wide and bright

With soft pink skin all aglow with life

A special sparkle from within

No other could ever take her place

Not ever could they fill the space

Her life a specal gift to some

A joy to them for times to come

Her heart will fill with love for them

To them she is a precious gem

For others will always love her so

At least they will forever know

She is loved so much by many that care

Thier shining faces with love all aglow

Now have the chance to know

What holding a little one of thier own

To which all thier love will go

With plenty of pictures to be shown

Daddy's little girl

Mommy's little baby

With soft fine hair for mommy to curl

And many a new dress to make her beautiful

Her little body an armful

She is a GIFT OF GOD

MLF;May 1986

It is certainly not a masterpiece, but there it is :). This was written when my hurt was still so raw, I was only 17, but I may as well have been an old woman. I surpassed all my friends with a knowledge few if any of them would ever experience. When placing a child, your child, your flesh, your blood, a part of your heart and soul, into someone elses arms, entrusting them with a most precious and irreplacable peace of your being. You are forever changed, hopefully, that change enhances who you become in a positive way and not the negative. But no matter what that change, it is immenent and it cannot be avoided, or tucked away to face at a later time, it is always there, lurking, waiting to rear up and let you know that you are always missing something. With time comes a sort of peace for some, for others it lies just short of thier reach. I pray that you find it and that life brings you joy and happiness for the New Year on the horizon and all the years that follow.

Tinsel, Lights, Music and Memories

It's not that I don't think of my mom at any other time of the year. It seams as if Christmastime just amplifies those feelings of loss and grief. I hear songs or see Christmas lights or families bringing home trees tied to the roof of thier cars. These remind me of years gone by, Christmas's past. It's been five years yet sometimes it feels as though it's only been days. The kids do something funny or maybe they're driving me nuts and I just want to pick up the phone and share. Other times I want to ask her for her advice on something or just to hear her words of encouragement when I'm feeling lost.

I can't call her on the phone, I can't show up on her doorstep. My kids can't see there MeMe and she can't see them. Travis and Caleb will never know my mom, this tears me up. I want to enjoy Christmas again, I want to be excited for my kids. I know that they are just as excited as I was at thier ages. I want to feel that again. Now, looking back, I wonder how my mom felt at this time of year. I was around the same age as Katlyn was when my granny passed away. It's ironic to me sometimes, and scary too. Katlyn was just six when my mom left us, the same as I was when my granny passed.

I still talk to my mom everyday and I look for something, anything, a sign to let me know she's still around. Sometimes I feel like she's next to me, watching me, watching her grandkids. Other times I feel as though she's far far away. I know however, that she's always here, with me, with us. In our hearts and memories. Love you Mom....

Worthless and Lost

Today was such a peaceful day, not rushed nor stressed, peaceful. I had my lil' Caleb who is two and this adorable little baby girl who just turned one on Wednesday. I didn't really plan to run any errands besides going to the bank. Baby girl woke up from her nap first, no biggie, I fed her and then proceeded to wake up my big baby boy. Fed him, got both of them dressed and diapers changed then headed out the door. I should have known something was up when I smelled something rotten. UGH! The baby girl was ripe...oh well, it'll have to wait til we get back from the bank. Second clue, the booster for Caleb wasn't in the car, my husband had it. I had to go anyway and just drive extremely carefully..having been in a car accident myself, this is unusual for me, I have a rule, no belt, no go. I buckled him without his seat and prayed.

Both of these should have warned me to just stay home until it was time to get the girls and my middle child and the baby girls big sister. Nope...I went on..

I am now at the point to which picking up Travis is a task that I dread. I know all the teachers at this school, the principal, geesh, the vice principal was Katlyn's fifth grade teacher last year. Now I was never, I repeat never in the office with Katlyn and she's now in sixth grade. The year isn't even half way over and Travis has been there three times, and I'm feeling like an unfit parent more and more. The last and most recent trip which required myself and my husband to be there, I thought was the worst it could possibly get...UMMMM NO. He had threatened another classmate and told him/her that he was going to go home and get his daddies gun and kill him/her. How can anything be worse than that you ask yourself, right? Hows this for ya? I picked him up today, and was confronted by his teacher...my heart sank before she even spoke. Overwhelming fear and dread hit, what now...OH GOD...what now?!? He had apparently found his way into the girls bathroom this week, not sure exactly what day, and exposed himself to another little girl in his class. Can I go and crawl under a rock now? This little girl went home and told this to her mother, who in turn called the school. Not sure what is to happen now...but I seriously just want to not take him back and attempt to enroll him somewhere else. I do want to know however, why was my son able to get in there in the first place? Where was an adult? Do they have a habit of letting the kids go to the bathroom alone in kindergarten? The have a bathroom in the classroom, so if this had been the case, and his teacher just didn't see him, then that would be one thing. This, however, happened in the GIRLS bathroom. They had to have been on lunch or Recess or something...again I ask you...where was the teacher?!?

His teacher asked him about the incident and he denied that he had done it. I in turn confronted him when we got home and he did after a little coaxing, tell me that he had in fact done this and that it was only his behind that he exposed....not that that makes it any better really. I tried to explain why this was unacceptable and then we had a brief discussion about this month in general and his behavior chart. He said he didn't care...AHHHHHH....I just want to scream...loud...really really loud. I want to shake him and make him understand. What did I do wrong? Where did I fail my little boy? I see him hurting when no one wants to play with him and it tears my heart to bits. I see how happy he is when he finally does find someone who's willing to play with him. He's rough and rowdy, but he's so tender hearted and cries at movies and when he's feeling lonely. I ache, every bone every muscle...my soul, aches for my baby boy. What can I do, I'm so lost, I feel like I am in a dark tunnel and there is no glimpse of light ahead.

Drained....Emotionally,Mentally,Physically...Drained

I am so tired, I am tired to the point at which getting out of bed requires me to take a pill and even then it is a struggle. No not a prescription or an illegal drug, but sort of like my "coffee" they are just caffeine caplets...it puts a whole new spin on "revive with vivarin". I know that having kids can make you tired, but I've been "tired" for a long time, even before my kids. However, it's definitely gotten to be more of a struggle than ever. With my son and his numerous trips to the office and notes from the teacher, Katlyn and her "pre teen attitude", and Caleb and the "terrible twos", I think I'm just going to do like the bears do and hibernate!

My daughter was a quiet child in school, most of her comments were that she was "too quiet", not participating enough with the class. She had friends, don't misunderstand, she was just shy in the classroom activities. She's always gotten great grades, and the teachers have all enjoyed having her. The only time I had any other issues in her school was in kindergarten when she would have "accidents" in order to avoid computer time. That was remedied however after the second incident when her teacher and I had a conference and we took action. It was her teacher who found the solution to the "problem". When she had a third "accident", her teacher still made her finish her computer time after she returned in fresh clothes. She discovered that it was better to just do her computer time with the rest of her classmates than to be alone and watching her friends doing other Center activities she enjoyed. As she moved on through elementary school we enrolled her in soccer as a way to bring her out of her shell a bit, this worked wonders....she is not the most outgoing in her class, but she is not afraid to join in and even got up and sang a song in front of her entire third grade class!!!!

Travis, on the other hand is a whole other ball game. I should have known from his year in Pre K, how his Kindergarten year would go. That said, I could not have fathomed that the year wouldn't be half over and I'd have been to see not only his vice principal...twice, but his principal as well, a total of four times. I've had an hour long conversation with his teacher, spoken to his PE teacher and the counselor...I just want to crawl under a rock! His first trips to the office were because he tried to "choke" another child and apparently himself and he supposedly hit another boy(unprovoked)...wow...sounds like a five yr old boy to me! The second trip was for him hitting a little girl, AFTER SCHOOL, which may I add, if they had sent him to the car as I had asked, because he was standing at the door looking for me(because they called his name), and then they sent him back to sit down. This last trip was only yesterday, he apparently told a little boy he was going to bring his daddy's gun to school and kill him???!!!! WTF???? Sad thing was that I had just mentioned to his teacher how well he'd been doing at home and she said he was doing much better at school the past couple of days. Lo and behold, I should have just dropped him off and left...because the call I recieved later just made my heart sink. Let me first say that even though my husband has a gun, it is locked, unloaded and the bullets are in another place...both of which are hidden...I don't even know where they both are. Likewise, we have never spoken of it's existence in front of any of our kids, nor has it been out for them to see, so they have no idea it is in the house. With all the school shootings and things happening now a days in ALL the schools, they had to take drastic measures and my husband and I had to come to the school...the whole time all I can think is...HE'S ONLY FIVE!!!!! He just turned five in July ppl!!!! He hasn't barely gotten out of being a four year old!!!!

I am just so tired, lost, and have no idea where to go to get this figured out....now I have Caleb who is exhibiting much the same characteristics as Travis...he's sneakier though! I'm saying a prayer everyday to help me get through the terrible twos, the frightening fives and the terrifying tweens...AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

That River of Patience Still Illudes Me....

It's been a year now and I'm still hanging on, however my patience has not improved much with age. I thought that the older you get the more patience you're supposed to aquire...I'M STILL WAITING!!!!!! I used to go on my computer everyday, sometimes the majority of the day and stay up til the wee hours of the morning..chatting, searching...hoping. Now that I've found the what I was searching for, it's still so far out of reach. I feel like a dog when you hold a treat above thier head and make them beg for it, but never give it to them. My lack of patience and forboding depression has led me to stay far far away from my computer as of late. If I don't go on, then I won't be tempted to check my email every five minutes or log onto facebook even though I know that the message I long for is not there. As the saying goes..."what you don't know can't hurt you"....If I don't look, and stay away and keep occupied then it can't hurt.

I'm waiting the only way I know how. The only solution to my lack of patience that keeps me sane, or some semblance of it anyway. I try to take the little bit that I am given and be satisfied with that. Take the "glass is half full" mindset and keep repeating it over and over again until I believe it. One day there will be more, one day there will be more to our communication that this necessity of a machine that so many of us turn to in these "modern" times. Long gone are actually pulling out a pen and paper and sending a letter, a "personal" letter, to someone. Now it is via the vast cables and lines that run through our cities that we communicate with our friends and loved ones. To me an inpersonable machine with which to keep in touch with people we care about, but in our hectic world, it seems a necessity with which we cannot do without. I am longing for the moment when I will actually have that piece of paper, either a letter or a card with which to cherish the fact that it was with a pen and with her own hand that these words were formed. The knowledge that her fingers held this treasure that I now can tuck away and read over and over again til my heart is content.

I'm still searching for that patience, but who knows what will satisfy this hunger to know as much about her as I can safely store in the corners of my mind, to think about when time allows. Will it be that first "real" letter, will it be the first time I hear her voice on the phone? Could it be when, if ever, I get to see her face to face, possible share an embrace and finally tell her everything I've wanted to tell her for the past twenty one years? Only time will tell. Until then....I wait....however impatiently...I wait...

Why...Why...Why?

Why don't they tell you before you have kids that you will want to bang your head against the wall at least once everyday for the rest of your life? Why don't the tell you that no matter how many times you repeat the rule, the child will continue to break this rule daily? Why doesn't someone warn you that although someone else telling a child to use his or her "inside voice" on TV, this in no way pertains to your household. If someone had told me 5 yrs ago, prior to the birth of my two boys, that I would never again be able to enjoy a meal without one or more of my wild beasts running amuck, I would have made my husband sleep in the spare bedroom. Perhaps if I knew then what I know now, I would have been the little old lady with all the cats, or dogs preferably.
I thought that the biggest joy I could possibly have would be to stay at home and be here for my children to see their lovely faces light up everyday after school. My dream was that they would be so overly joyed to have mommy home everyday and here to pick them up that they would be angels 24/7....NOT! It was a fantasy to think that my house would be spotless and dinner ready by 6 and the kids bathed and in bed at the same time every night. Don't think that's happened once this year and a half I've been home. I feel like all I do is yell, clean clothes, fold clothes....fix a quick meal whenever possible. Do homework and bathe kids, chase dogs and sweep and mop at least four times a day, ohhhh and don't forget vacuuming! LOL...Why..oh why...didn't I have a clue? Mom...I know you'd be having the time of your life watching me cope with mine :). But all my kids never cease to make me laugh even when I want or need to be mad...gotta love em.

The Adventures of Caleb

It has been quite awhile since I've posted, I don't know if I remember how...LOL.
Woohoo! The kids are in school again and I'm home alone with my wonderful baby boy. Soon to be two and every bit the two yr old terror that little boys can be. He is the quiet one, the one that didn't say "mom" until just a few months ago, I was elated when he did. Now...I want him to forget my name....HAHAHA. He was the child that pointed and grunted and that was how he got what he wanted, try as we might to get him to say "drink" or "more" or "juice" for that matter. Eventually we'd just cave in and let him have it. He's also the one I have to watch constantly, he burned his hand one night and didn't cry or scream or even whine. My husband found it when wiping him off after dinner and by this point, to our horror and amazement, the blister was the size of a small marble. We told him it was an ouchy(owy?), and that he touched something hot, and from then on his ouchy was "hot". Later, he stuck his hand in an ant pile and came over with approximately ten ants on his hand and at least 20 to 30 stings....all he did was hold his hand up and whine. Not one teardrop!!!!!
God love him, he is my baby...he's so hard to discipline or reprimand. I cannot imagine my world without him, or any one of my kids. You would think, with it just being him and I, that he wouldn't have the opportunity to get "into" any trouble right??? Well, not my little angel...lol. This incident happened when I was only four feet from him washing dishes. He was sitting at the dinner table, upon which was my purse, not realising at the time that he had confiscated my mascara and thinking that he was being a doll by sitting and eating his lunch, I continued with my task. When I had finished, I proceeded to go and give him a snuggle and a kiss, only to find that my littlest joy had been busy with something besides eating his lunch. He was grinning from ear to ear with black muck on his teeth, his tongue and beautiful round face. It was hard to be mad, especially when I was fighting the urge to burst into huge waves of laughter. Oh the wonderful world of mommyhood!
Just a little story to add that happened today....for those of you with children, I am positive most, if not all can relate to this. I was in the bathroom to which I am NEVER alone, for some reason, this requires an audience. Anyhow, I was "finished" and ready to wipe myself, and to my horror, my baby had stolen the toilet tissue! I tried to explain to him that Mommy needed this and that I needed him to bring it back....the response was his sweet smile and blank stare....LOL. Then...aha! I told him, "Caleb, please bring mommy the potty paper, I need to clean my bo bo(what we call his bottom)(sorry if TMI)...." Lo and behold, a light goes off in his head and his eyes light up with understanding.....and away his little legs carry him. To my joy, amazement, and amusement, he brings me his wipes!!! I love my life.

Thoughts of Yesterday

I cannot believe that 21 yrs have passed since I told my first daughter I loved you and said goodbye to her for the last time. What a beautiful young woman she has grown into. Not that I know her personally, just in what she's told me and shown me since we've been "talking". I never dreamed when I was that pregnant scared 16 yr old that I'd be here today, sending her messages and hearing about her day. Knowing that she is an independent woman with dreams and goals and parents that helped her to be who she is today. It helps to see how goal oriented she is and that she has so many talents that she is mastering, what amazing gifts she's been given.

I would be lying if I said I am still certain the choice I made was the right one. There will always be the lingering "what if?", but I did make the choice I thought I had to make at that time in my life. I can say with certainty that I believed in my heart that the choice I made was for her, about her and without a doubt the hardest and most life altering choice I've ever had to make. Yes I did go on to have more children and yes they were life altering events for me as well. However, unlike most first time parents, who's lives are altered due to the birth of their child(ren), I had to live with the pain of knowing that my firstborn was out there somewhere and possibly one day might want to know why I didn't keep her too. So my joy of the birth of my preceding children is forever "saddened" in a way, with the guilt of having chosen to place my firstborn into the arms of another. Never hearing her call me mom and being able to see her do all the firsts that so many parents long for. Looking into the faces of my other children when I held them for the first time, I was reminded of the one I will never hold again.

I still believe that I had all the right reasons to place my first daughter. I've seen other birth moms whose reasons were much the same. They wanted their child to have everything they couldn't give them. They wanted their child to have two parents, and they wanted their child to not have to ever "want" for anything. They wanted their child to have things they didn't. I wanted all those things and more....but now, I have a whole new spin on this. Aren't the most important things, love and nurturing and home and nourishment? I could have given her these. I could have been the one she called Mommy. My mom was a single mom and for me, that is partly why I chose to place. Not because I didn't think I could do it, but because I saw my mom struggle and that was hard for me to see. I didn't want to think of my first daughter being saddened by watching me struggle to take care of her. I wanted her to be a child and not "worry" about her mom having to work two jobs or split shifts to be able to keep a roof over her head or keep food on the table. I wanted her to have the peace of mind that I thought a child would have if he/she had two parents taking care of her.
Hindsight is 20/20 they say, and they would be right. I now have the knowledge of a mother of three(four in my heart), to know that two parents does not mean a child will not worry about his/her parents and whatever hardships they have to endure. I know now that a child will always worry and be concerned about his/her parents...or parent, whatever the case may be. Life is not easy, for any of us, well.....for most of us. I made the choice I did out of love it is true, but that does not change the fact that had I known then what I know now.....maybe things would be different today. I may have been more likely to have kept my firstborn in my life and not just in my heart and memories. That said, she is and will always be my firstborn and part of my heart and soul. I pray that one day we will meet and I can hold her in my arms again. And if that day never comes, I will always have the memory of that sweet sleeping angel I held in my arms.

Some Hidden Secret?

I have a new found admiration for SAHM's, after having been one for just over a year now. I had all these expectations, I thought it would be just like what you see on television. Somehow, I expected to be Supermom.....NOT! Oh heavens...how on earth do some mom's do this day in and day out and not go totally insane?? How do they change diapers, clean kids, cook, wash laundry, clean house(spotless!), and manage to get in a shower for themselves, read a book or just plain do anything that doesn't require Mr. Clean, a sponge, a dustpan and wipes and desitin??? On top of all this, they still manage to grocery shop and be PTA moms....co ordinate magnificent parties and maybe even have an at home business on the side...and unbelievably still be able to have a truly heartwarming fucking smile on their face!!!

You never see them yell at their kids, they say things like..."Michael, we don't hit our sister", or "Cindy, we don't throw"....and "Do we need a time out?" Can I throw up now?? I feel like I'm going insane, and I cannot seem to keep one room clean for longer than five minutes...much less an entire house. I spend my day mopping floors, cleaning clothes and dishes, picking up toys, only to turn around at the end of the day and it looks as if I sat on my couch watching soaps! Sometimes I feel like I need a straight jacket and a rubber room. People used to tell me all the time, "you should be a PTA mom", because I make my kids birthday cakes and because I sew their costumes for Halloween. Yeah RIGHT!!!! I can't even hardly manage to get a shower in, and heaven forbid I attempt to read a book. I cannot fathom setting up some school activity or hosting a school party....I'd have to be co ordinated and be able to function in a stressful setting...soooo not something I'm capable of.

I am not organised enough to plan something like that...my mom used to tell me, "I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached", how right she was! I love my kids, don't get me wrong, I love watching other peoples children. I have even gotten certified in CPR and First Aid. I am still trying to figure out how on earth to enjoy it and not lose my ever loving mind! I need some pointers, some glorious knowledge about being a SAHM that I am not aware of....I NEED DRUGS!!!! A PILL!!!!! LOL

Maybe one day I'll figure it all out, I'll find the secret to staying home and not wanting to tie all my kids up in one room and stick cotton in my ears :). Seriously....how do those mom's do it? They are MY IDOLS!

What if....? The question most often asked, but rarely IF ever answered.

Oh to be young again, to go back and relive those carefree days of not having to be "responsible". No hard decisions to make, like whether or not to pay the phone bill this check or next or what food to put on the table to feed a family? For that matter, no worries about where that money or food will come from. IF I had only known at thirteen what I would experience at 14,15 and 16...maybe my choices might have been different. Now...here I sit some 20 something years later thinking...what if...??? What if that really cute boy hadn't moved onto my street, what if I had never tried beer...what if I'd never smoked cigarettes or tried pot? What if....and the biggest what if of all...what if I'd never given in to that cute boy when he asked me for sex?

A couple of facts to go along with the what ifs....I would not have had my "first love", I would not have done that horrible dreadful thing that no one talks of at the tender age of 15. I would not have been pregnant at 16 and an emotional wreck at 17, telling my firstborn daughter good bye forever. I would not be who I am today. My firstdaughter and all my children after, would probably not be here. For all the hardships...and for all the joys...there comes knowledge. Knowledge that moves us on to new lessons. What if I had not done the unspeakable at 15, would I have had a baby at 17? I can remember that day as vividly as the birth of all my babies...the horrible people with signs out front and the smell and the procedure, but most of all...the 30 yr old woman holding my hand in the recovery room, both of us crying and consoling each other.

Many times I have wondered...what if I had kept my firstdaughter, what would my life and her life be like today? On many an occasion, I prayed for GOD to give me a chance for a "do over", to change my mind. How many times I have re lived that day at the hospital watching the nurse taking her sleeping little body from my arms...telling her to grab the blanket I made her and the letter I wrote her, along with the teddy that my aunt had bought her. Being drowsy from the two valium my mom asked the nurse to give me and then still unable to keep from being hysterical and calling my mom begging her to come and get me. The hospital room filled with the memories of my precious little girl.

I love my children and I love my life, I would love to see how some of those what if's might have changed my life, but not if it means losing what I have or who I am. Sometimes, we just have to live our lives the best we can and get past all the "what if's..".

MOM

Sorry....but this will be sad, don't go on if you don't want to cry!!
I cannot believe it has been five years now, and I think of my mom as much today as I did the day she went away. I think overall, that out of all my siblings, I handled her passing pretty well. Funny, the things you think of at times like those, I was afraid her last thoughts would be that she was upset at the fact that it was my baby shower. Of course, I was concerned that instead of her going peacefully, that was what she worried about. I was pregnant with my first son and only weeks away from my delivery date. My mom had watched Katlyn from birth, I had such a rough pregnancy, it was nice to have at least the comfort of knowing my daughter was safe and well cared for.

Now looking back, I see how easily it could have happened on a day when it was just my mom and Katlyn alone. That thought scared me tremendously. I will never forget that day as long as I live. After speaking with my sister to let her know I was on my way, it was just a ten minute or so drive to my mom's. We turned on the street and saw the fire trucks and ambulance and I don't remember getting out of the car. I remember my sister looking pale and tears streaming down her face as I raced to the door as fast as my huge belly would let me. She said two words...forever etched in my mind "It's Mom..." I wish now that I could have held my composure more or had sense enough to have someone take Katlyn to another room, but all I could see was the men on the floor in the kitchen, surrounding my mom. They worked and worked on her, and then they put her on a stretcher and rushed her through the living room and toward the front door. In that split second, I grabbed her hand and sqeezed.

Although they were still working on her, I knew in my heart she was not with us anymore. I remember the officer holding me back....and I remember calling "mama" over and over...and then Katlyn with her arms wrapped around me telling me it'll be ok mommy. Just a few weeks later at the same hospital that my mom was brought to, I delivered my son. All the memories of my mom being there when I had my sonograms constantly going through my mind. The last day I saw her was the two days before the shower, at one of those visits, I knew she didn't look well but it was hot and she'd been driving around all day. Needless to say, I did not have my second son at that hospital and dread driving by there. I never thought I would be saving my maternity clothes, because I wore them to my mothers funeral. Anyhow, even though it's been this long, it still seems like yesterday. It's hard not to pick up the phone and call my mom when something funny happens with my kids or when something important happens in my life. It gets easier, but it never goes away.....I miss you mom as much today as the day you went away, I love you.

Mama

Mama it's been so long

Sometimes it's hard to believe I haven't talked to you in almost a year now

I always think of you

I can see you doing all of the little things you used to do

I remember how you stayed up late

Drinking your cup of coffee and playing solitaire

I remember how you used one spoonfull and a half of sugar

And just a little cream

Funny the things you think of when someone is gone

The silly little things that make you cry

In the same instant make you smile

I miss talking to you about the trials and accomplishments in my life

I miss your words of encouragement

As well as your all knowing silence when you disapproved

I miss your upside down frown when you had just woken up

Or when you were deep in thought

There are so many things that I miss about you

I could never list them all

It would take all the trees on Gods green earth to do this

So I guess I'll just put down the most endearing to me

Of all the things I miss about you

I miss the way you brightened up everyone's lives

The way you brought out the goodness in all your children

In how much you loved and were loved by your grandchildren

Mama we love you dearly

Mama we miss you terribly

Mama we'll think of you always

Mama we will try to be what you hoped we could be

Mama I hope we make you proud

Goodnight Mama

Sweet Dreams

Written by Michelle N.

June 20th 2003

And then there were three.....

Somewhere up in heaven my mother is looking down on me and laughing hysterically. Katlyn was a surprise, but after seven years we felt like it was a sign that we needed to take that next step. Travis, an even bigger surprise, but again a sign from above that we needed to get our shit together. Caleb, the biggest surprise of them all.....I had my girl, I had my boy....and now another boy makes three??? Maybe not like I had planned for it to happen, but they are here none the less, and I can't imagine my life without them.
My wishes were for Katlyn and Travis to be just a few years apart, instead it ended up with a separation of six years.....oh the fights they have! Katlyn was my easy, and uneventful pregnancy, minus the heartburn throughout, and the kidney stones at the very end. The induction went as planned and her birth was easy and fairly fast. Our little June bug was born at 3:45 P.M. on the afternoon of June 4th, all 7lbs 4oz of her. A week overdue, but just as perfect as she could be. Travis on the other hand...was the first of two trying pregnancies. Sick from the start, the morning sickness was unbelievably bad. The heartburn was inevitable, and then to top it off I was diagnosed with having too much amniotic fluid.
Then began at approximately five months the bi-weekly sonograms and visits with both the perinatal doctors as well as my regularly scheduled visits with my OB...:(. Never had I thought a pregnancy could make me so miserable, and the fact that he was born in the middle of one of the hottest months was no exception! Unfortunately, despite the pregnancy issues, I never envisioned the birth of my son without the support and comfort of my mother. She went to the heavens on the 22nd of June, just weeks before my baby boy was to be born. It happened on what was supposed a special day, the day you celebrate the life of the little one to come, my baby shower. Travis was also an induction, but two weeks ahead of his due date, rather than after. This did not go as planned, with risks to his health rising with each contraction, he came into this world via emergency C-section. On 3:45 in the afternoon, July 15th, came my 7lb 13oz little boy. With more hair than I could have ever imagined my child would have.
Shock and amazement three years later, when that pregnancy test result came out positive! Wow....the roller coaster is in full swing...here we go again. All hopes for an easy pregnancy gone with the first bouts of morning sickness, even worse than what I had with Travis. I had not thought that would be possible, it required medication to help me eat :(. With worries of my pregnancy being as difficult as the last, my doctor informed me that there was a one in a ?? chance of me suffering with the excess fluid again. Guess what??? I was that ONE!!!! At approximately three months, here we go again. Sonograms every two weeks and visits with the OB right after. Although, other than the discomfort of being HUGE, I felt great. Then toward the eighth month, I found myself on bed rest. Oh wow...I had no idea how hard that would be! I thought sleeping all the time sounded wonderful, but it wasn't!
Caleb was born via scheduled C-section one week early, even that didn't stop it from being un eventful! He was born at 8 am September 22nd, all 8lbs 3oz, and spent six hours in the nursery because of breathing issues...then almost had a feeding tube because he wouldn't eat. THEN....we were informed by the pediatrician on call that he might have down syndrome....WOW....I was a wreck! Other than a high pallet, which made nursing almost impossible, and a tongue tie(??), as it turned out, he was and is a perfect little boy. And then there were three(in actuallity there were four, but that's another story...).....and I wouldn't trade any of them for anything in the world.