Adoption...What You Don't Think of Until It's Too Late

First let me say, WOW it has been awhile! Second, what you are about to read, for those of you who have not given up your rights to parent, but are rather hoping for that mother to do so, I will warn you now, you probably don't want to read further than this sentence. For those of you out there that are "sisters", with stories similar to mine, maybe you will relate, or maybe you are still new to the intricate and heart wrenching world of adoption. What I am going to say is by no means an attempt at changing a future first mothers mind about giving up rights to parent their child...OK, maybe just a little. OH HELL, it's definitely an attempt to keep any unsuspecting Mother to be from living the never ending, nauseating, gut wrenching, hole in your heart forever life of placing their child into someone elses arms forever.

I thought that I had thought about my choice, every facet of it. I thought I was "OK" with my decision to give my child to this man and woman who told me one thing, only to find out twenty years later..it was all lies! My thought process was this, I am 17, I am single, I don't have a job, I haven't finished school, her father is doing things with his parents knowledge that no young person should be doing, and most likely will not finish school(which he didn't). My mom is a single parent, barely taking care of me and my sister, I can't expect her to care for me and my child. What do I have to offer her? I don't want her to miss out on things(material mind you), I can't provide her with the stability of a mother and a father. I'm not capable of providing her the things a family with two parents would be able to. I am doing this out of my love for her. She deserves more than what I have to offer her. What I didn't realise though, that I do now, is that I was doing the only thing I thought I could do. I felt, that once I said it and once I'd picked this couple, I couldn't change my mind. Guilt maybe? I felt like I couldn't change my mind, everyone had done so much, the lawyers, the aparents paid the doctor bills, plus my mom's heart was breaking, how could I keep a baby and make her feel obligated to help me.

See, I thought I'd thought of everything, but I didn't. At seventeen, truly, do we really see the whole picture? My mind didn't have any knowledge of the hole that my heart would be forever an open wound. I didn't realise that my love for my first daughter would see me through. I didn't realise that I COULD take care of her and give her what she needed. Love, a home, food and the basic necessities that she needed to thrive were there for me, I just needed someone to show me the way. If I had known then what I was giving up, I never would have signed those papers, I NEVER would have missed out on all those Firsts. I would have been MOM, Grandma or Nana or Mema, whichever the case might be. See that is what no one ever tells you, you are giving up not just the right to be a parent to your child, but the grandparent to their children too.

What a cruel joke Adoption can be. For those of us not able to experience "open adoption", I suppose it can be worse. Or those of us who have semi, only to have that door shut in your face because of the aparents lack of trust, or just out of sheer meanness maybe(sometimes). That to me is the cruelest of all. Now, in the midst of reunion, I am feeling that knife in my heart just turning and turning with every thought of what I have missed out on these years gone by. Now to my first daughter, who is soon to be a mom, I am no one. I am but the incubator that shielded her and gave her a place to grow and thrive, until her entrance into the world when she was ready, and gave her to another. I grew to love her before I knew she was there, from the first instant I knew she was growing inside my womb, I loved her. Before I felt the first flutters, until the moment I felt her turning somersaults and reeking havoc on my insides, I loved her. She was mine, if only for that brief amount of time, she was mine. They may have had all the "firsts" that came after, but I had her FIRST. I felt her growing, I saw her first, I held her first, I counted her fingers and toes first. I changed her first, I fed her first, I cuddled her first while she slept in my arms and I gave her those first kisses and breathed in every scent of her sweet baby smell FIRST.

I have this, I have those memories, they are mine, forever etched permanently, no one, especially those who lied to me to get what they wanted, will ever take that away. They might be "mom" and "dad", but I am her Mother forever. They are her babies Grandma and Grandpa, but I am the Grandmother.

I will just find some comfort in knowing that a little of who she is and who her children are, is apart of me. For example, two of the names she chose were names that I chosen while carrying her. Ironic really how life comes full circle no matter what we do with it.

Time Stands Still

It has been awhile since my last entry, thought it was time for an update on the news my first daughter shared with me only a few weeks ago. Seeing as she's apparently shared her joyous news with her friends, I am hoping that it is safe for me to share it as well. She is going to be a Mom, and I am thrilled for her, for her Parents...soon to be Grand parents. In as much as I am happy and excited for her, there is unfortunately an underlying feeling of jealousy and sadness for me. That baby that I said good bye to over twenty years ago is going to have a baby of her own. That right of being able to spoil my grand baby isn't going to happen this time. I am NOT "grandma", I am NOTHING to this baby on the way. Wow! I never never thought this far ahead when I signed those papers and kissed my first daughter goodbye. Never in a million years had I dreamed that that decision would leave me saying "goodbye" all over again.

I am linked to her, which makes me linked to her unborn child too doesn't it? To any unborn yet to come??? Some say that when an adopted child becomes a parent, the need to reunite or at least to "find out where they came from" kicks in. How does this work when we are already in the process of a reunion...of sorts, which consists of the occasional message back and forth via a website? She obviously isn't ready or doesn't have any desire to know of my(her) story, why I chose to relinquish. Who her father is, or how we met. She doesn't desire any information up to and including that of her birth. I have not offered, as I was told she would let me know when she was ready. Now I am questioning, how will she feel as her pregnancy progresses and after she has brought her sweet baby home? Will she want or need to know more about her past, her biological family...OR, will her feelings turn to that of anger? Anger at my choice to give up my rights to parent her, because now, she will know the overwhelming love that comes with that first look on your precious child. Maybe she will wonder how on earth I could look at her sweet, beautiful little face and still choose to give my right to parent to another. So many questions, not a single answer.

I suppose I will just keep doing what I'm doing. Try to be as patient, as understanding, as non threatening as possible. Let her continue to take the lead and see where it takes us. Try not to get heart broken at the thought of not being able to see her on the day of her baby shower or to help throw it for her even. I'll make this blanket that I hope she will love and cherish and that my first firstgrandchild will treasure someday. This is the tradition that my mom started for her grand babies and I intend to continue that same tradition, even if I am not or cannot be the grandparent that I long to be. I'll wait patiently, and pray everyday that one day this path that she and I are on takes us one step further and hopefully leads to more than just this cyber relationship that we seem destined to continue for now. I long to hear her voice, I ache to see her in person and give her the biggest hug possible, but I'll wait....as long as it takes, until she's ready.

I have no right.....Or do I?

My jealousy is making it hard to stay focused. I found out some scary, wonderful, and downright terrifying news from Robyn this weekend. I think that the shock of it will last until I finally have that face to face that I'm longing for. I cannot give any detail just yet, but lets just say that it's life altering, as much as having Robyn was life altering for me. All my kids for that matter! Anyhow, I'm trying to be supportive and comforting and MATURE about the situation. I have offered my advice and feel as if I am a long distance friend rather than her first mother. I know that I have no right to be apart of her life anymore than she has allowed me to be up to this point. However, I am forever linked to her and when she has children, am I not linked to them as well?

I have been brewing this over and over in my head. I concieved her, I carried her in my body. Went through the morning sickness, the swelling hands and feet, the aches, the lack of sleep either from being uncomfortable or the having to pee twenty times in the night. Through the heartburn that had me up sick in the middle of the night and downing antacids like they were candy. Made it through the stretchmarks and the horrible scar left after an emergency C section. I remember the first time I saw her after waking up in the recovery room, all alone at three in the morning, just she and I. Looking at her in the little light that barely brightened the room. Sleeping, so soft and smelled so sweet, pulling her little cap off to see her beautiful blonde hair and opening her blanket to do the ritual test of ten fingers, ten toes. I had her with me, just the two of us, for four long wonderful days. So many times I wanted to change my mind and take her home with me. All I kept thinking was that I would hurt so many people, her "parents", my mom, who worked so hard for me and my sister. I kept telling myself that what I was doing was the right thing...for her, everything for her. Now, I wonder, was it really just for her, or was it my fear of hurting someone else if I didn't go through. I imagine it was a combination of many things.

I am jealous now, of all the firsts I missed. All the firsts that I'm missing and all the firsts yet to come. Especially those yet to come. When she has children, her Mom gets to be grandma, this wouldn't have been possible without me. I never thought of this before, there are alot more possibilites for her parents than just that of being parents, now they can be grandparents too, and everything that comes with. If she has children, does that make me a "firstgrandma"? Since I made my choice, who am I in her life? Who will I be to her children? Just a woman who gave her life and then gave her away? I can only hope that one day, I will be more than just that woman, that I can maybe be more than just a friend. I know I cannot and could not ever be her Mom, but I would like to be something more. I feel like I don't have the right to feel this, but these are my feelings nonetheless.

What if....? The question most often asked, but rarely IF ever answered.

Oh to be young again, to go back and relive those carefree days of not having to be "responsible". No hard decisions to make, like whether or not to pay the phone bill this check or next or what food to put on the table to feed a family? For that matter, no worries about where that money or food will come from. IF I had only known at thirteen what I would experience at 14,15 and 16...maybe my choices might have been different. Now...here I sit some 20 something years later thinking...what if...??? What if that really cute boy hadn't moved onto my street, what if I had never tried beer...what if I'd never smoked cigarettes or tried pot? What if....and the biggest what if of all...what if I'd never given in to that cute boy when he asked me for sex?

A couple of facts to go along with the what ifs....I would not have had my "first love", I would not have done that horrible dreadful thing that no one talks of at the tender age of 15. I would not have been pregnant at 16 and an emotional wreck at 17, telling my firstborn daughter good bye forever. I would not be who I am today. My firstdaughter and all my children after, would probably not be here. For all the hardships...and for all the joys...there comes knowledge. Knowledge that moves us on to new lessons. What if I had not done the unspeakable at 15, would I have had a baby at 17? I can remember that day as vividly as the birth of all my babies...the horrible people with signs out front and the smell and the procedure, but most of all...the 30 yr old woman holding my hand in the recovery room, both of us crying and consoling each other.

Many times I have wondered...what if I had kept my firstdaughter, what would my life and her life be like today? On many an occasion, I prayed for GOD to give me a chance for a "do over", to change my mind. How many times I have re lived that day at the hospital watching the nurse taking her sleeping little body from my arms...telling her to grab the blanket I made her and the letter I wrote her, along with the teddy that my aunt had bought her. Being drowsy from the two valium my mom asked the nurse to give me and then still unable to keep from being hysterical and calling my mom begging her to come and get me. The hospital room filled with the memories of my precious little girl.

I love my children and I love my life, I would love to see how some of those what if's might have changed my life, but not if it means losing what I have or who I am. Sometimes, we just have to live our lives the best we can and get past all the "what if's..".