That River of Patience Still Illudes Me....

It's been a year now and I'm still hanging on, however my patience has not improved much with age. I thought that the older you get the more patience you're supposed to aquire...I'M STILL WAITING!!!!!! I used to go on my computer everyday, sometimes the majority of the day and stay up til the wee hours of the morning..chatting, searching...hoping. Now that I've found the what I was searching for, it's still so far out of reach. I feel like a dog when you hold a treat above thier head and make them beg for it, but never give it to them. My lack of patience and forboding depression has led me to stay far far away from my computer as of late. If I don't go on, then I won't be tempted to check my email every five minutes or log onto facebook even though I know that the message I long for is not there. As the saying goes..."what you don't know can't hurt you"....If I don't look, and stay away and keep occupied then it can't hurt.

I'm waiting the only way I know how. The only solution to my lack of patience that keeps me sane, or some semblance of it anyway. I try to take the little bit that I am given and be satisfied with that. Take the "glass is half full" mindset and keep repeating it over and over again until I believe it. One day there will be more, one day there will be more to our communication that this necessity of a machine that so many of us turn to in these "modern" times. Long gone are actually pulling out a pen and paper and sending a letter, a "personal" letter, to someone. Now it is via the vast cables and lines that run through our cities that we communicate with our friends and loved ones. To me an inpersonable machine with which to keep in touch with people we care about, but in our hectic world, it seems a necessity with which we cannot do without. I am longing for the moment when I will actually have that piece of paper, either a letter or a card with which to cherish the fact that it was with a pen and with her own hand that these words were formed. The knowledge that her fingers held this treasure that I now can tuck away and read over and over again til my heart is content.

I'm still searching for that patience, but who knows what will satisfy this hunger to know as much about her as I can safely store in the corners of my mind, to think about when time allows. Will it be that first "real" letter, will it be the first time I hear her voice on the phone? Could it be when, if ever, I get to see her face to face, possible share an embrace and finally tell her everything I've wanted to tell her for the past twenty one years? Only time will tell. Until then....I wait....however impatiently...I wait...

Thoughts of Yesterday

I cannot believe that 21 yrs have passed since I told my first daughter I loved you and said goodbye to her for the last time. What a beautiful young woman she has grown into. Not that I know her personally, just in what she's told me and shown me since we've been "talking". I never dreamed when I was that pregnant scared 16 yr old that I'd be here today, sending her messages and hearing about her day. Knowing that she is an independent woman with dreams and goals and parents that helped her to be who she is today. It helps to see how goal oriented she is and that she has so many talents that she is mastering, what amazing gifts she's been given.

I would be lying if I said I am still certain the choice I made was the right one. There will always be the lingering "what if?", but I did make the choice I thought I had to make at that time in my life. I can say with certainty that I believed in my heart that the choice I made was for her, about her and without a doubt the hardest and most life altering choice I've ever had to make. Yes I did go on to have more children and yes they were life altering events for me as well. However, unlike most first time parents, who's lives are altered due to the birth of their child(ren), I had to live with the pain of knowing that my firstborn was out there somewhere and possibly one day might want to know why I didn't keep her too. So my joy of the birth of my preceding children is forever "saddened" in a way, with the guilt of having chosen to place my firstborn into the arms of another. Never hearing her call me mom and being able to see her do all the firsts that so many parents long for. Looking into the faces of my other children when I held them for the first time, I was reminded of the one I will never hold again.

I still believe that I had all the right reasons to place my first daughter. I've seen other birth moms whose reasons were much the same. They wanted their child to have everything they couldn't give them. They wanted their child to have two parents, and they wanted their child to not have to ever "want" for anything. They wanted their child to have things they didn't. I wanted all those things and more....but now, I have a whole new spin on this. Aren't the most important things, love and nurturing and home and nourishment? I could have given her these. I could have been the one she called Mommy. My mom was a single mom and for me, that is partly why I chose to place. Not because I didn't think I could do it, but because I saw my mom struggle and that was hard for me to see. I didn't want to think of my first daughter being saddened by watching me struggle to take care of her. I wanted her to be a child and not "worry" about her mom having to work two jobs or split shifts to be able to keep a roof over her head or keep food on the table. I wanted her to have the peace of mind that I thought a child would have if he/she had two parents taking care of her.
Hindsight is 20/20 they say, and they would be right. I now have the knowledge of a mother of three(four in my heart), to know that two parents does not mean a child will not worry about his/her parents and whatever hardships they have to endure. I know now that a child will always worry and be concerned about his/her parents...or parent, whatever the case may be. Life is not easy, for any of us, well.....for most of us. I made the choice I did out of love it is true, but that does not change the fact that had I known then what I know now.....maybe things would be different today. I may have been more likely to have kept my firstborn in my life and not just in my heart and memories. That said, she is and will always be my firstborn and part of my heart and soul. I pray that one day we will meet and I can hold her in my arms again. And if that day never comes, I will always have the memory of that sweet sleeping angel I held in my arms.

Some Hidden Secret?

I have a new found admiration for SAHM's, after having been one for just over a year now. I had all these expectations, I thought it would be just like what you see on television. Somehow, I expected to be Supermom.....NOT! Oh heavens...how on earth do some mom's do this day in and day out and not go totally insane?? How do they change diapers, clean kids, cook, wash laundry, clean house(spotless!), and manage to get in a shower for themselves, read a book or just plain do anything that doesn't require Mr. Clean, a sponge, a dustpan and wipes and desitin??? On top of all this, they still manage to grocery shop and be PTA moms....co ordinate magnificent parties and maybe even have an at home business on the side...and unbelievably still be able to have a truly heartwarming fucking smile on their face!!!

You never see them yell at their kids, they say things like..."Michael, we don't hit our sister", or "Cindy, we don't throw"....and "Do we need a time out?" Can I throw up now?? I feel like I'm going insane, and I cannot seem to keep one room clean for longer than five minutes...much less an entire house. I spend my day mopping floors, cleaning clothes and dishes, picking up toys, only to turn around at the end of the day and it looks as if I sat on my couch watching soaps! Sometimes I feel like I need a straight jacket and a rubber room. People used to tell me all the time, "you should be a PTA mom", because I make my kids birthday cakes and because I sew their costumes for Halloween. Yeah RIGHT!!!! I can't even hardly manage to get a shower in, and heaven forbid I attempt to read a book. I cannot fathom setting up some school activity or hosting a school party....I'd have to be co ordinated and be able to function in a stressful setting...soooo not something I'm capable of.

I am not organised enough to plan something like that...my mom used to tell me, "I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached", how right she was! I love my kids, don't get me wrong, I love watching other peoples children. I have even gotten certified in CPR and First Aid. I am still trying to figure out how on earth to enjoy it and not lose my ever loving mind! I need some pointers, some glorious knowledge about being a SAHM that I am not aware of....I NEED DRUGS!!!! A PILL!!!!! LOL

Maybe one day I'll figure it all out, I'll find the secret to staying home and not wanting to tie all my kids up in one room and stick cotton in my ears :). Seriously....how do those mom's do it? They are MY IDOLS!

And then there were three.....

Somewhere up in heaven my mother is looking down on me and laughing hysterically. Katlyn was a surprise, but after seven years we felt like it was a sign that we needed to take that next step. Travis, an even bigger surprise, but again a sign from above that we needed to get our shit together. Caleb, the biggest surprise of them all.....I had my girl, I had my boy....and now another boy makes three??? Maybe not like I had planned for it to happen, but they are here none the less, and I can't imagine my life without them.
My wishes were for Katlyn and Travis to be just a few years apart, instead it ended up with a separation of six years.....oh the fights they have! Katlyn was my easy, and uneventful pregnancy, minus the heartburn throughout, and the kidney stones at the very end. The induction went as planned and her birth was easy and fairly fast. Our little June bug was born at 3:45 P.M. on the afternoon of June 4th, all 7lbs 4oz of her. A week overdue, but just as perfect as she could be. Travis on the other hand...was the first of two trying pregnancies. Sick from the start, the morning sickness was unbelievably bad. The heartburn was inevitable, and then to top it off I was diagnosed with having too much amniotic fluid.
Then began at approximately five months the bi-weekly sonograms and visits with both the perinatal doctors as well as my regularly scheduled visits with my OB...:(. Never had I thought a pregnancy could make me so miserable, and the fact that he was born in the middle of one of the hottest months was no exception! Unfortunately, despite the pregnancy issues, I never envisioned the birth of my son without the support and comfort of my mother. She went to the heavens on the 22nd of June, just weeks before my baby boy was to be born. It happened on what was supposed a special day, the day you celebrate the life of the little one to come, my baby shower. Travis was also an induction, but two weeks ahead of his due date, rather than after. This did not go as planned, with risks to his health rising with each contraction, he came into this world via emergency C-section. On 3:45 in the afternoon, July 15th, came my 7lb 13oz little boy. With more hair than I could have ever imagined my child would have.
Shock and amazement three years later, when that pregnancy test result came out positive! Wow....the roller coaster is in full swing...here we go again. All hopes for an easy pregnancy gone with the first bouts of morning sickness, even worse than what I had with Travis. I had not thought that would be possible, it required medication to help me eat :(. With worries of my pregnancy being as difficult as the last, my doctor informed me that there was a one in a ?? chance of me suffering with the excess fluid again. Guess what??? I was that ONE!!!! At approximately three months, here we go again. Sonograms every two weeks and visits with the OB right after. Although, other than the discomfort of being HUGE, I felt great. Then toward the eighth month, I found myself on bed rest. Oh wow...I had no idea how hard that would be! I thought sleeping all the time sounded wonderful, but it wasn't!
Caleb was born via scheduled C-section one week early, even that didn't stop it from being un eventful! He was born at 8 am September 22nd, all 8lbs 3oz, and spent six hours in the nursery because of breathing issues...then almost had a feeding tube because he wouldn't eat. THEN....we were informed by the pediatrician on call that he might have down syndrome....WOW....I was a wreck! Other than a high pallet, which made nursing almost impossible, and a tongue tie(??), as it turned out, he was and is a perfect little boy. And then there were three(in actuallity there were four, but that's another story...).....and I wouldn't trade any of them for anything in the world.