I Feel I've Failed

I know part of this "depression", yep, I'll call it what it is..."depression", is because of the weather today. Rainy, dreary days always make me tired and listless and not wanting to do anything except crawl back into bed and stay there. Which, as you know, being a mom makes this impossible.

It's been over a year and a half now of me staying at home and I love my kids, but I hate being at home. I don't have any friends to speak of, that I see or spend time with that is. I spend all day long with no one older than 12 yrs of age. As of late, I don't want to do anything, because I feel half the time I'm chasing my tail. I hate my house, it's old, it's dusty, and there are so many things that need to be done to it, it literally makes me ill just to think about it. Every now and again I get a bug up my butt and clean like crazy. I get really excited when I get a couple of rooms done, only to get aggrivated and upset as I attempt another room and come back to find the other two are right back where they were before.

I feel tired, angry, and irritated all the time now. What good am I doing my children if all I ever do is yell at them and am angry with them??? Travis is failing Kindergarten for Pete's sake! I am so busy trying to clean or too depressed to do anything that I have failed him. He needs my help and I am here...but I'm not. His daddy is working two jobs to keep me home and for what??? So he can die young and leave me a widow with three kids??? Why?? Why can't I do this?? What am I doing wrong?? I don't ever want to go on the computer anymore. This being my only link to Robyn and my "sisters", making me feel even more alone and feeling guilty for not being there when my "sisters" need me. I have this blog and I think of things to blog about, but can never muster the time or energy to blog and when I do, I have lost any ideas of what I was going to put here. My myspace page is still in Christmas theme and my facebook has so many notifications and pokes and invites it's scary and daunting.

Before I had Travis and my mom passed and my husband and I separated for a yr, I was a totally different person. I made all my daughters halloween costumes and all her birthday cakes. I always sent out the invitations on time and never forgot to send "thank you" cards. I always sent Christmas cards to everyone and I never forgot things. I knew everyones birthdays and phone numbers by heart. Now, I am always late with the Christmas cards...if I even remember to send them, and I usually end up sending birthday invitations via computer or phonecalls. I am always rushing last minute to make birthday cakes, or lately I just break down and buy one, and heaven forbid I make all three of my kids costumes for Halloween.

I feel lately, like I've fallen in a giant black hole with no hopes of escape. I cry at the drop of a hat and get angry just as fast. My language as of late is atrocious, which is rubbing off on my oldest boy, and making it's way to his classroom...not a good thing! I don't want to go back to work, HELP, how can I get past this? I want to be here for my kids, but I have lost me in the process...how do I get "me" back?? Feeling like a huge failure to my kids, my husband and most of all myself.

Am I Losing It?

Family, I love my family, I love my brother and my sisters. I love my nieces and my nephews. My immediately family...IE my kids and my husband are my world. Does anyone have those family members that seem to live to piss you off? Their sole purpose in life is that it revolve around them and to make yours as miserable as possible, so much that you avoid them at all costs?

I don't get it....they can make HUGE, GINORMOUS, IDIOTIC mistakes or bad choices and I just try to find some silver lining. I show support and encouragement and give the shoulder if needed. Especially now that my mom is gone, it's double what it used to be as far as the toll it takes on me and my world. God forbid, I do something maybe a little out of the norm and possible stupid...hey...it happens :). Do I get support or encouragement? Hell no! I get judged and snapped at and belittled. When I point out the stupid acts that have been done by them in the past and how my reactions differed tremendously in comparison. Well...that's the past now isn't it and it has absolutely nothing to do with the here and now. In other words....they are allowed to screw up and I have to be there for them, but I screw up and it's another story and it doesn't matter one damn bit what excuses or past accounts I bring up, that's almost worse than just admitting defeat and stupidity.

Another issue that tears me up, I don't think anyone with one child can truly comprehend what parenting is like for those of us with two or more. Not to say that it makes someone any less of a parent, but well...lets face it...having more than one is a whole other world. My sister seems to think that my daughter can still spend the night and that it should be OK if my middle son stay home. He is five now, he notices these things....this is his AUNT..for Pete's sake and his cousin...who is a boy I might add. When he was a baby, we could get around it, now...not so easy. My rule is...if one is to go, then both have to go. NO EXCEPTIONS! My kids are not going to be picked and chosen at my families discretion. My sister was angry about this and has voiced it in the past, but I am not going to budge. She asked me this last time...."can't you just tell him his sister needs to get away sometimes?", I asked her if she wanted to explain that to him. No response. Then a bit later she says..."doesn't he go and spend the night at his Nana's(my MIL), by himself?", I told her yes, but that was because Katlyn never wants to go to church and that is what he does with his Nana. Then she says..."doesn't she go to her friends houses alone?", and I said yeah, but YOU are his and her AUNT...not a FRIEND...and HE(my nephew) is their COUSIN...not the same thing as a friend!!!! Am I missing something, or is she just not understanding? Am I speaking another language??

It is odd to me anyway how my sisters son, who is eight, would rather play with my 11 yr old daughter than my five yr old son. That said, he is an only child, he is totally into anything to do with computer games, or handheld games or PS2 and such. He is in no way an "outdoorsy" kind of boy, or a "cowboys and Indian's" kinda kid. My boys...well...they are very much the opposite, very much into cars and trucks and getting muddy and playing outside as much as possible. Maybe he's a little intimidated. I don't know if this is from being an only child, or if it is just is in his genes. I love him dearly...although it's kind of heartbreaking that he and I are not all that close...will probably never be close. He is his mamma's boy...and he was close to my mom, but never really to me, except when he was little. My kids are not perfect mind you, far from it. All I know is.....I love my kids and I will do everything in my power to keep them safe and happy and try my damnedest to make sure they all know they are loved as much as the other, no more, no less.

Anyhow, enough of a rant I suppose...just felt like letting off a little steam. Be back later to blow that whistle again I'm sure!