skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Today was such a peaceful day, not rushed nor stressed, peaceful. I had my lil' Caleb who is two and this adorable little baby girl who just turned one on Wednesday. I didn't really plan to run any errands besides going to the bank. Baby girl woke up from her nap first, no biggie, I fed her and then proceeded to wake up my big baby boy. Fed him, got both of them dressed and diapers changed then headed out the door. I should have known something was up when I smelled something rotten. UGH! The baby girl was ripe...oh well, it'll have to wait til we get back from the bank. Second clue, the booster for Caleb wasn't in the car, my husband had it. I had to go anyway and just drive extremely carefully..having been in a car accident myself, this is unusual for me, I have a rule, no belt, no go. I buckled him without his seat and prayed.
Both of these should have warned me to just stay home until it was time to get the girls and my middle child and the baby girls big sister. Nope...I went on..
I am now at the point to which picking up Travis is a task that I dread. I know all the teachers at this school, the principal, geesh, the vice principal was Katlyn's fifth grade teacher last year. Now I was never, I repeat never in the office with Katlyn and she's now in sixth grade. The year isn't even half way over and Travis has been there three times, and I'm feeling like an unfit parent more and more. The last and most recent trip which required myself and my husband to be there, I thought was the worst it could possibly get...UMMMM NO. He had threatened another classmate and told him/her that he was going to go home and get his daddies gun and kill him/her. How can anything be worse than that you ask yourself, right? Hows this for ya? I picked him up today, and was confronted by his teacher...my heart sank before she even spoke. Overwhelming fear and dread hit, what now...OH GOD...what now?!? He had apparently found his way into the girls bathroom this week, not sure exactly what day, and exposed himself to another little girl in his class. Can I go and crawl under a rock now? This little girl went home and told this to her mother, who in turn called the school. Not sure what is to happen now...but I seriously just want to not take him back and attempt to enroll him somewhere else. I do want to know however, why was my son able to get in there in the first place? Where was an adult? Do they have a habit of letting the kids go to the bathroom alone in kindergarten? The have a bathroom in the classroom, so if this had been the case, and his teacher just didn't see him, then that would be one thing. This, however, happened in the GIRLS bathroom. They had to have been on lunch or Recess or something...again I ask you...where was the teacher?!?
His teacher asked him about the incident and he denied that he had done it. I in turn confronted him when we got home and he did after a little coaxing, tell me that he had in fact done this and that it was only his behind that he exposed....not that that makes it any better really. I tried to explain why this was unacceptable and then we had a brief discussion about this month in general and his behavior chart. He said he didn't care...AHHHHHH....I just want to scream...loud...really really loud. I want to shake him and make him understand. What did I do wrong? Where did I fail my little boy? I see him hurting when no one wants to play with him and it tears my heart to bits. I see how happy he is when he finally does find someone who's willing to play with him. He's rough and rowdy, but he's so tender hearted and cries at movies and when he's feeling lonely. I ache, every bone every muscle...my soul, aches for my baby boy. What can I do, I'm so lost, I feel like I am in a dark tunnel and there is no glimpse of light ahead.
I am so tired, I am tired to the point at which getting out of bed requires me to take a pill and even then it is a struggle. No not a prescription or an illegal drug, but sort of like my "coffee" they are just caffeine caplets...it puts a whole new spin on "revive with vivarin". I know that having kids can make you tired, but I've been "tired" for a long time, even before my kids. However, it's definitely gotten to be more of a struggle than ever. With my son and his numerous trips to the office and notes from the teacher, Katlyn and her "pre teen attitude", and Caleb and the "terrible twos", I think I'm just going to do like the bears do and hibernate!
My daughter was a quiet child in school, most of her comments were that she was "too quiet", not participating enough with the class. She had friends, don't misunderstand, she was just shy in the classroom activities. She's always gotten great grades, and the teachers have all enjoyed having her. The only time I had any other issues in her school was in kindergarten when she would have "accidents" in order to avoid computer time. That was remedied however after the second incident when her teacher and I had a conference and we took action. It was her teacher who found the solution to the "problem". When she had a third "accident", her teacher still made her finish her computer time after she returned in fresh clothes. She discovered that it was better to just do her computer time with the rest of her classmates than to be alone and watching her friends doing other Center activities she enjoyed. As she moved on through elementary school we enrolled her in soccer as a way to bring her out of her shell a bit, this worked wonders....she is not the most outgoing in her class, but she is not afraid to join in and even got up and sang a song in front of her entire third grade class!!!!
Travis, on the other hand is a whole other ball game. I should have known from his year in Pre K, how his Kindergarten year would go. That said, I could not have fathomed that the year wouldn't be half over and I'd have been to see not only his vice principal...twice, but his principal as well, a total of four times. I've had an hour long conversation with his teacher, spoken to his PE teacher and the counselor...I just want to crawl under a rock! His first trips to the office were because he tried to "choke" another child and apparently himself and he supposedly hit another boy(unprovoked)...wow...sounds like a five yr old boy to me! The second trip was for him hitting a little girl, AFTER SCHOOL, which may I add, if they had sent him to the car as I had asked, because he was standing at the door looking for me(because they called his name), and then they sent him back to sit down. This last trip was only yesterday, he apparently told a little boy he was going to bring his daddy's gun to school and kill him???!!!! WTF???? Sad thing was that I had just mentioned to his teacher how well he'd been doing at home and she said he was doing much better at school the past couple of days. Lo and behold, I should have just dropped him off and left...because the call I recieved later just made my heart sink. Let me first say that even though my husband has a gun, it is locked, unloaded and the bullets are in another place...both of which are hidden...I don't even know where they both are. Likewise, we have never spoken of it's existence in front of any of our kids, nor has it been out for them to see, so they have no idea it is in the house. With all the school shootings and things happening now a days in ALL the schools, they had to take drastic measures and my husband and I had to come to the school...the whole time all I can think is...HE'S ONLY FIVE!!!!! He just turned five in July ppl!!!! He hasn't barely gotten out of being a four year old!!!!
I am just so tired, lost, and have no idea where to go to get this figured out....now I have Caleb who is exhibiting much the same characteristics as Travis...he's sneakier though! I'm saying a prayer everyday to help me get through the terrible twos, the frightening fives and the terrifying tweens...AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
It's been a year now and I'm still hanging on, however my patience has not improved much with age. I thought that the older you get the more patience you're supposed to aquire...I'M STILL WAITING!!!!!! I used to go on my computer everyday, sometimes the majority of the day and stay up til the wee hours of the morning..chatting, searching...hoping. Now that I've found the what I was searching for, it's still so far out of reach. I feel like a dog when you hold a treat above thier head and make them beg for it, but never give it to them. My lack of patience and forboding depression has led me to stay far far away from my computer as of late. If I don't go on, then I won't be tempted to check my email every five minutes or log onto facebook even though I know that the message I long for is not there. As the saying goes..."what you don't know can't hurt you"....If I don't look, and stay away and keep occupied then it can't hurt.
I'm waiting the only way I know how. The only solution to my lack of patience that keeps me sane, or some semblance of it anyway. I try to take the little bit that I am given and be satisfied with that. Take the "glass is half full" mindset and keep repeating it over and over again until I believe it. One day there will be more, one day there will be more to our communication that this necessity of a machine that so many of us turn to in these "modern" times. Long gone are actually pulling out a pen and paper and sending a letter, a "personal" letter, to someone. Now it is via the vast cables and lines that run through our cities that we communicate with our friends and loved ones. To me an inpersonable machine with which to keep in touch with people we care about, but in our hectic world, it seems a necessity with which we cannot do without. I am longing for the moment when I will actually have that piece of paper, either a letter or a card with which to cherish the fact that it was with a pen and with her own hand that these words were formed. The knowledge that her fingers held this treasure that I now can tuck away and read over and over again til my heart is content.
I'm still searching for that patience, but who knows what will satisfy this hunger to know as much about her as I can safely store in the corners of my mind, to think about when time allows. Will it be that first "real" letter, will it be the first time I hear her voice on the phone? Could it be when, if ever, I get to see her face to face, possible share an embrace and finally tell her everything I've wanted to tell her for the past twenty one years? Only time will tell. Until then....I wait....however impatiently...I wait...
Why don't they tell you before you have kids that you will want to bang your head against the wall at least once everyday for the rest of your life? Why don't the tell you that no matter how many times you repeat the rule, the child will continue to break this rule daily? Why doesn't someone warn you that although someone else telling a child to use his or her "inside voice" on TV, this in no way pertains to your household. If someone had told me 5 yrs ago, prior to the birth of my two boys, that I would never again be able to enjoy a meal without one or more of my wild beasts running amuck, I would have made my husband sleep in the spare bedroom. Perhaps if I knew then what I know now, I would have been the little old lady with all the cats, or dogs preferably.
I thought that the biggest joy I could possibly have would be to stay at home and be here for my children to see their lovely faces light up everyday after school. My dream was that they would be so overly joyed to have mommy home everyday and here to pick them up that they would be angels 24/7....NOT! It was a fantasy to think that my house would be spotless and dinner ready by 6 and the kids bathed and in bed at the same time every night. Don't think that's happened once this year and a half I've been home. I feel like all I do is yell, clean clothes, fold clothes....fix a quick meal whenever possible. Do homework and bathe kids, chase dogs and sweep and mop at least four times a day, ohhhh and don't forget vacuuming! LOL...Why..oh why...didn't I have a clue? Mom...I know you'd be having the time of your life watching me cope with mine :). But all my kids never cease to make me laugh even when I want or need to be mad...gotta love em.
