Monday, February 18, 2008

Time Stands Still

It has been awhile since my last entry, thought it was time for an update on the news my first daughter shared with me only a few weeks ago. Seeing as she's apparently shared her joyous news with her friends, I am hoping that it is safe for me to share it as well. She is going to be a Mom, and I am thrilled for her, for her Parents...soon to be Grand parents. In as much as I am happy and excited for her, there is unfortunately an underlying feeling of jealousy and sadness for me. That baby that I said good bye to over twenty years ago is going to have a baby of her own. That right of being able to spoil my grand baby isn't going to happen this time. I am NOT "grandma", I am NOTHING to this baby on the way. Wow! I never never thought this far ahead when I signed those papers and kissed my first daughter goodbye. Never in a million years had I dreamed that that decision would leave me saying "goodbye" all over again.

I am linked to her, which makes me linked to her unborn child too doesn't it? To any unborn yet to come??? Some say that when an adopted child becomes a parent, the need to reunite or at least to "find out where they came from" kicks in. How does this work when we are already in the process of a reunion...of sorts, which consists of the occasional message back and forth via a website? She obviously isn't ready or doesn't have any desire to know of my(her) story, why I chose to relinquish. Who her father is, or how we met. She doesn't desire any information up to and including that of her birth. I have not offered, as I was told she would let me know when she was ready. Now I am questioning, how will she feel as her pregnancy progresses and after she has brought her sweet baby home? Will she want or need to know more about her past, her biological family...OR, will her feelings turn to that of anger? Anger at my choice to give up my rights to parent her, because now, she will know the overwhelming love that comes with that first look on your precious child. Maybe she will wonder how on earth I could look at her sweet, beautiful little face and still choose to give my right to parent to another. So many questions, not a single answer.

I suppose I will just keep doing what I'm doing. Try to be as patient, as understanding, as non threatening as possible. Let her continue to take the lead and see where it takes us. Try not to get heart broken at the thought of not being able to see her on the day of her baby shower or to help throw it for her even. I'll make this blanket that I hope she will love and cherish and that my first firstgrandchild will treasure someday. This is the tradition that my mom started for her grand babies and I intend to continue that same tradition, even if I am not or cannot be the grandparent that I long to be. I'll wait patiently, and pray everyday that one day this path that she and I are on takes us one step further and hopefully leads to more than just this cyber relationship that we seem destined to continue for now. I long to hear her voice, I ache to see her in person and give her the biggest hug possible, but I'll long as it takes, until she's ready.