Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Thoughts of Yesterday


I cannot believe that 21 yrs have passed since I told my first daughter I loved you and said goodbye to her for the last time. What a beautiful young woman she has grown into. Not that I know her personally, just in what she's told me and shown me since we've been "talking". I never dreamed when I was that pregnant scared 16 yr old that I'd be here today, sending her messages and hearing about her day. Knowing that she is an independent woman with dreams and goals and parents that helped her to be who she is today. It helps to see how goal oriented she is and that she has so many talents that she is mastering, what amazing gifts she's been given.

I would be lying if I said I am still certain the choice I made was the right one. There will always be the lingering "what if?", but I did make the choice I thought I had to make at that time in my life. I can say with certainty that I believed in my heart that the choice I made was for her, about her and without a doubt the hardest and most life altering choice I've ever had to make. Yes I did go on to have more children and yes they were life altering events for me as well. However, unlike most first time parents, who's lives are altered due to the birth of their child(ren), I had to live with the pain of knowing that my firstborn was out there somewhere and possibly one day might want to know why I didn't keep her too. So my joy of the birth of my preceding children is forever "saddened" in a way, with the guilt of having chosen to place my firstborn into the arms of another. Never hearing her call me mom and being able to see her do all the firsts that so many parents long for. Looking into the faces of my other children when I held them for the first time, I was reminded of the one I will never hold again.

I still believe that I had all the right reasons to place my first daughter. I've seen other birth moms whose reasons were much the same. They wanted their child to have everything they couldn't give them. They wanted their child to have two parents, and they wanted their child to not have to ever "want" for anything. They wanted their child to have things they didn't. I wanted all those things and more....but now, I have a whole new spin on this. Aren't the most important things, love and nurturing and home and nourishment? I could have given her these. I could have been the one she called Mommy. My mom was a single mom and for me, that is partly why I chose to place. Not because I didn't think I could do it, but because I saw my mom struggle and that was hard for me to see. I didn't want to think of my first daughter being saddened by watching me struggle to take care of her. I wanted her to be a child and not "worry" about her mom having to work two jobs or split shifts to be able to keep a roof over her head or keep food on the table. I wanted her to have the peace of mind that I thought a child would have if he/she had two parents taking care of her.
Hindsight is 20/20 they say, and they would be right. I now have the knowledge of a mother of three(four in my heart), to know that two parents does not mean a child will not worry about his/her parents and whatever hardships they have to endure. I know now that a child will always worry and be concerned about his/her parents...or parent, whatever the case may be. Life is not easy, for any of us, well.....for most of us. I made the choice I did out of love it is true, but that does not change the fact that had I known then what I know now.....maybe things would be different today. I may have been more likely to have kept my firstborn in my life and not just in my heart and memories. That said, she is and will always be my firstborn and part of my heart and soul. I pray that one day we will meet and I can hold her in my arms again. And if that day never comes, I will always have the memory of that sweet sleeping angel I held in my arms.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Some Hidden Secret?




I have a new found admiration for SAHM's, after having been one for just over a year now. I had all these expectations, I thought it would be just like what you see on television. Somehow, I expected to be Supermom.....NOT! Oh heavens...how on earth do some mom's do this day in and day out and not go totally insane?? How do they change diapers, clean kids, cook, wash laundry, clean house(spotless!), and manage to get in a shower for themselves, read a book or just plain do anything that doesn't require Mr. Clean, a sponge, a dustpan and wipes and desitin??? On top of all this, they still manage to grocery shop and be PTA moms....co ordinate magnificent parties and maybe even have an at home business on the side...and unbelievably still be able to have a truly heartwarming fucking smile on their face!!!

You never see them yell at their kids, they say things like..."Michael, we don't hit our sister", or "Cindy, we don't throw"....and "Do we need a time out?" Can I throw up now?? I feel like I'm going insane, and I cannot seem to keep one room clean for longer than five minutes...much less an entire house. I spend my day mopping floors, cleaning clothes and dishes, picking up toys, only to turn around at the end of the day and it looks as if I sat on my couch watching soaps! Sometimes I feel like I need a straight jacket and a rubber room. People used to tell me all the time, "you should be a PTA mom", because I make my kids birthday cakes and because I sew their costumes for Halloween. Yeah RIGHT!!!! I can't even hardly manage to get a shower in, and heaven forbid I attempt to read a book. I cannot fathom setting up some school activity or hosting a school party....I'd have to be co ordinated and be able to function in a stressful setting...soooo not something I'm capable of.

I am not organised enough to plan something like that...my mom used to tell me, "I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached", how right she was! I love my kids, don't get me wrong, I love watching other peoples children. I have even gotten certified in CPR and First Aid. I am still trying to figure out how on earth to enjoy it and not lose my ever loving mind! I need some pointers, some glorious knowledge about being a SAHM that I am not aware of....I NEED DRUGS!!!! A PILL!!!!! LOL

Maybe one day I'll figure it all out, I'll find the secret to staying home and not wanting to tie all my kids up in one room and stick cotton in my ears :). Seriously....how do those mom's do it? They are MY IDOLS!

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

What if....? The question most often asked, but rarely IF ever answered.


Oh to be young again, to go back and relive those carefree days of not having to be "responsible". No hard decisions to make, like whether or not to pay the phone bill this check or next or what food to put on the table to feed a family? For that matter, no worries about where that money or food will come from. IF I had only known at thirteen what I would experience at 14,15 and 16...maybe my choices might have been different. Now...here I sit some 20 something years later thinking...what if...??? What if that really cute boy hadn't moved onto my street, what if I had never tried beer...what if I'd never smoked cigarettes or tried pot? What if....and the biggest what if of all...what if I'd never given in to that cute boy when he asked me for sex?

A couple of facts to go along with the what ifs....I would not have had my "first love", I would not have done that horrible dreadful thing that no one talks of at the tender age of 15. I would not have been pregnant at 16 and an emotional wreck at 17, telling my firstborn daughter good bye forever. I would not be who I am today. My firstdaughter and all my children after, would probably not be here. For all the hardships...and for all the joys...there comes knowledge. Knowledge that moves us on to new lessons. What if I had not done the unspeakable at 15, would I have had a baby at 17? I can remember that day as vividly as the birth of all my babies...the horrible people with signs out front and the smell and the procedure, but most of all...the 30 yr old woman holding my hand in the recovery room, both of us crying and consoling each other.

Many times I have wondered...what if I had kept my firstdaughter, what would my life and her life be like today? On many an occasion, I prayed for GOD to give me a chance for a "do over", to change my mind. How many times I have re lived that day at the hospital watching the nurse taking her sleeping little body from my arms...telling her to grab the blanket I made her and the letter I wrote her, along with the teddy that my aunt had bought her. Being drowsy from the two valium my mom asked the nurse to give me and then still unable to keep from being hysterical and calling my mom begging her to come and get me. The hospital room filled with the memories of my precious little girl.

I love my children and I love my life, I would love to see how some of those what if's might have changed my life, but not if it means losing what I have or who I am. Sometimes, we just have to live our lives the best we can and get past all the "what if's..".

Monday, July 2, 2007

MOM



Sorry....but this will be sad, don't go on if you don't want to cry!!
I cannot believe it has been five years now, and I think of my mom as much today as I did the day she went away. I think overall, that out of all my siblings, I handled her passing pretty well. Funny, the things you think of at times like those, I was afraid her last thoughts would be that she was upset at the fact that it was my baby shower. Of course, I was concerned that instead of her going peacefully, that was what she worried about. I was pregnant with my first son and only weeks away from my delivery date. My mom had watched Katlyn from birth, I had such a rough pregnancy, it was nice to have at least the comfort of knowing my daughter was safe and well cared for.

Now looking back, I see how easily it could have happened on a day when it was just my mom and Katlyn alone. That thought scared me tremendously. I will never forget that day as long as I live. After speaking with my sister to let her know I was on my way, it was just a ten minute or so drive to my mom's. We turned on the street and saw the fire trucks and ambulance and I don't remember getting out of the car. I remember my sister looking pale and tears streaming down her face as I raced to the door as fast as my huge belly would let me. She said two words...forever etched in my mind "It's Mom..." I wish now that I could have held my composure more or had sense enough to have someone take Katlyn to another room, but all I could see was the men on the floor in the kitchen, surrounding my mom. They worked and worked on her, and then they put her on a stretcher and rushed her through the living room and toward the front door. In that split second, I grabbed her hand and sqeezed.

Although they were still working on her, I knew in my heart she was not with us anymore. I remember the officer holding me back....and I remember calling "mama" over and over...and then Katlyn with her arms wrapped around me telling me it'll be ok mommy. Just a few weeks later at the same hospital that my mom was brought to, I delivered my son. All the memories of my mom being there when I had my sonograms constantly going through my mind. The last day I saw her was the two days before the shower, at one of those visits, I knew she didn't look well but it was hot and she'd been driving around all day. Needless to say, I did not have my second son at that hospital and dread driving by there. I never thought I would be saving my maternity clothes, because I wore them to my mothers funeral. Anyhow, even though it's been this long, it still seems like yesterday. It's hard not to pick up the phone and call my mom when something funny happens with my kids or when something important happens in my life. It gets easier, but it never goes away.....I miss you mom as much today as the day you went away, I love you.



Mama
Mama it's been so long
Sometimes it's hard to believe I haven't talked to you in almost a year now
I always think of you
I can see you doing all of the little things you used to do
I remember how you stayed up late
Drinking your cup of coffee and playing solitaire
I remember how you used one spoonfull and a half of sugar
And just a little cream
Funny the things you think of when someone is gone
The silly little things that make you cry
In the same instant make you smile
I miss talking to you about the trials and accomplishments in my life
I miss your words of encouragement
As well as your all knowing silence when you disapproved
I miss your upside down frown when you had just woken up
Or when you were deep in thought
There are so many things that I miss about you
I could never list them all
It would take all the trees on Gods green earth to do this
So I guess I'll just put down the most endearing to me
Of all the things I miss about you
I miss the way you brightened up everyone's lives
The way you brought out the goodness in all your children
In how much you loved and were loved by your grandchildren
Mama we love you dearly
Mama we miss you terribly
Mama we'll think of you always
Mama we will try to be what you hoped we could be

Mama I hope we make you proud
Goodnight Mama
Sweet Dreams


Written by Michelle N.
June 20th 2003

Sunday, July 1, 2007

And then there were three.....


Somewhere up in heaven my mother is looking down on me and laughing hysterically. Katlyn was a surprise, but after seven years we felt like it was a sign that we needed to take that next step. Travis, an even bigger surprise, but again a sign from above that we needed to get our shit together. Caleb, the biggest surprise of them all.....I had my girl, I had my boy....and now another boy makes three??? Maybe not like I had planned for it to happen, but they are here none the less, and I can't imagine my life without them.
My wishes were for Katlyn and Travis to be just a few years apart, instead it ended up with a separation of six years.....oh the fights they have! Katlyn was my easy, and uneventful pregnancy, minus the heartburn throughout, and the kidney stones at the very end. The induction went as planned and her birth was easy and fairly fast. Our little June bug was born at 3:45 P.M. on the afternoon of June 4th, all 7lbs 4oz of her. A week overdue, but just as perfect as she could be. Travis on the other hand...was the first of two trying pregnancies. Sick from the start, the morning sickness was unbelievably bad. The heartburn was inevitable, and then to top it off I was diagnosed with having too much amniotic fluid.
Then began at approximately five months the bi-weekly sonograms and visits with both the perinatal doctors as well as my regularly scheduled visits with my OB...:(. Never had I thought a pregnancy could make me so miserable, and the fact that he was born in the middle of one of the hottest months was no exception! Unfortunately, despite the pregnancy issues, I never envisioned the birth of my son without the support and comfort of my mother. She went to the heavens on the 22nd of June, just weeks before my baby boy was to be born. It happened on what was supposed a special day, the day you celebrate the life of the little one to come, my baby shower. Travis was also an induction, but two weeks ahead of his due date, rather than after. This did not go as planned, with risks to his health rising with each contraction, he came into this world via emergency C-section. On 3:45 in the afternoon, July 15th, came my 7lb 13oz little boy. With more hair than I could have ever imagined my child would have.
Shock and amazement three years later, when that pregnancy test result came out positive! Wow....the roller coaster is in full swing...here we go again. All hopes for an easy pregnancy gone with the first bouts of morning sickness, even worse than what I had with Travis. I had not thought that would be possible, it required medication to help me eat :(. With worries of my pregnancy being as difficult as the last, my doctor informed me that there was a one in a ?? chance of me suffering with the excess fluid again. Guess what??? I was that ONE!!!! At approximately three months, here we go again. Sonograms every two weeks and visits with the OB right after. Although, other than the discomfort of being HUGE, I felt great. Then toward the eighth month, I found myself on bed rest. Oh wow...I had no idea how hard that would be! I thought sleeping all the time sounded wonderful, but it wasn't!
Caleb was born via scheduled C-section one week early, even that didn't stop it from being un eventful! He was born at 8 am September 22nd, all 8lbs 3oz, and spent six hours in the nursery because of breathing issues...then almost had a feeding tube because he wouldn't eat. THEN....we were informed by the pediatrician on call that he might have down syndrome....WOW....I was a wreck! Other than a high pallet, which made nursing almost impossible, and a tongue tie(??), as it turned out, he was and is a perfect little boy. And then there were three(in actuallity there were four, but that's another story...).....and I wouldn't trade any of them for anything in the world.