Monday, January 28, 2008

I have no right.....Or do I?

My jealousy is making it hard to stay focused. I found out some scary, wonderful, and downright terrifying news from Robyn this weekend. I think that the shock of it will last until I finally have that face to face that I'm longing for. I cannot give any detail just yet, but lets just say that it's life altering, as much as having Robyn was life altering for me. All my kids for that matter! Anyhow, I'm trying to be supportive and comforting and MATURE about the situation. I have offered my advice and feel as if I am a long distance friend rather than her first mother. I know that I have no right to be apart of her life anymore than she has allowed me to be up to this point. However, I am forever linked to her and when she has children, am I not linked to them as well?

I have been brewing this over and over in my head. I concieved her, I carried her in my body. Went through the morning sickness, the swelling hands and feet, the aches, the lack of sleep either from being uncomfortable or the having to pee twenty times in the night. Through the heartburn that had me up sick in the middle of the night and downing antacids like they were candy. Made it through the stretchmarks and the horrible scar left after an emergency C section. I remember the first time I saw her after waking up in the recovery room, all alone at three in the morning, just she and I. Looking at her in the little light that barely brightened the room. Sleeping, so soft and smelled so sweet, pulling her little cap off to see her beautiful blonde hair and opening her blanket to do the ritual test of ten fingers, ten toes. I had her with me, just the two of us, for four long wonderful days. So many times I wanted to change my mind and take her home with me. All I kept thinking was that I would hurt so many people, her "parents", my mom, who worked so hard for me and my sister. I kept telling myself that what I was doing was the right thing...for her, everything for her. Now, I wonder, was it really just for her, or was it my fear of hurting someone else if I didn't go through. I imagine it was a combination of many things.

I am jealous now, of all the firsts I missed. All the firsts that I'm missing and all the firsts yet to come. Especially those yet to come. When she has children, her Mom gets to be grandma, this wouldn't have been possible without me. I never thought of this before, there are alot more possibilites for her parents than just that of being parents, now they can be grandparents too, and everything that comes with. If she has children, does that make me a "firstgrandma"? Since I made my choice, who am I in her life? Who will I be to her children? Just a woman who gave her life and then gave her away? I can only hope that one day, I will be more than just that woman, that I can maybe be more than just a friend. I know I cannot and could not ever be her Mom, but I would like to be something more. I feel like I don't have the right to feel this, but these are my feelings nonetheless.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Breathe in Breathe out......:)

I feel so much better. This past week has been a ton better than it has been for awhile. Aside from some shocking news that I'm still recovering from, I feel so much better. I made up my mind that I am going to get up every morning and say a prayer and take several breaths before I get out of bed and start my day. Aside from a headache that is unrelenting, not related to stress, it's allergies...LOL. I feel pretty....what's the word...content...relaxed....calm? Either one will work. It just took me blogging about my frustrations and feelings to make a whole world of difference. Well, that and the advice from my friends(sisters). It makes the world a much happier place when you have somewhere to vent and people who will "listen" and offer to be there for you.

I think I had several things working against me. First, the fact that I am not used to being at home all the time and secondly, I'm frustrated because hubby and I never seem to have any time to ourselves anymore. He's working all the time which is frustrating to me and very tiring for him and I think it actually makes me feel guilty. Like I'm not contributing or anything. I know I stay at home and watch the kids all day and do other things that are important and necessary, but I still feel like I'm not doing enough sometimes.

Anyhow, I am tired of feeling like crap and I'm gonna do my damndest to not procastinate and do what I need to do to get back on track. I am determined to get my house situated and organized. I need some ME time...reading, writing, drawing....maybe use the oil paint set for dummies I got for Christmas...LOL. Spend more time on here chatting with my friends. I need to go out and do some things for myself like I used to. Get my nails done, get addicted to pedicures(no Brazilian, I draw the line there!), and go shopping for ME! It will get better, I will be as stress free as I can....I will not let my kids drive me nutz...oh wait....that might be a lost cause. I'm gonna do like that song says..."I will survive" :)

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I Feel I've Failed

I know part of this "depression", yep, I'll call it what it is..."depression", is because of the weather today. Rainy, dreary days always make me tired and listless and not wanting to do anything except crawl back into bed and stay there. Which, as you know, being a mom makes this impossible.

It's been over a year and a half now of me staying at home and I love my kids, but I hate being at home. I don't have any friends to speak of, that I see or spend time with that is. I spend all day long with no one older than 12 yrs of age. As of late, I don't want to do anything, because I feel half the time I'm chasing my tail. I hate my house, it's old, it's dusty, and there are so many things that need to be done to it, it literally makes me ill just to think about it. Every now and again I get a bug up my butt and clean like crazy. I get really excited when I get a couple of rooms done, only to get aggrivated and upset as I attempt another room and come back to find the other two are right back where they were before.

I feel tired, angry, and irritated all the time now. What good am I doing my children if all I ever do is yell at them and am angry with them??? Travis is failing Kindergarten for Pete's sake! I am so busy trying to clean or too depressed to do anything that I have failed him. He needs my help and I am here...but I'm not. His daddy is working two jobs to keep me home and for what??? So he can die young and leave me a widow with three kids??? Why?? Why can't I do this?? What am I doing wrong?? I don't ever want to go on the computer anymore. This being my only link to Robyn and my "sisters", making me feel even more alone and feeling guilty for not being there when my "sisters" need me. I have this blog and I think of things to blog about, but can never muster the time or energy to blog and when I do, I have lost any ideas of what I was going to put here. My myspace page is still in Christmas theme and my facebook has so many notifications and pokes and invites it's scary and daunting.

Before I had Travis and my mom passed and my husband and I separated for a yr, I was a totally different person. I made all my daughters halloween costumes and all her birthday cakes. I always sent out the invitations on time and never forgot to send "thank you" cards. I always sent Christmas cards to everyone and I never forgot things. I knew everyones birthdays and phone numbers by heart. Now, I am always late with the Christmas cards...if I even remember to send them, and I usually end up sending birthday invitations via computer or phonecalls. I am always rushing last minute to make birthday cakes, or lately I just break down and buy one, and heaven forbid I make all three of my kids costumes for Halloween.

I feel lately, like I've fallen in a giant black hole with no hopes of escape. I cry at the drop of a hat and get angry just as fast. My language as of late is atrocious, which is rubbing off on my oldest boy, and making it's way to his classroom...not a good thing! I don't want to go back to work, HELP, how can I get past this? I want to be here for my kids, but I have lost me in the do I get "me" back?? Feeling like a huge failure to my kids, my husband and most of all myself.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Margurita time!!!!

Has anyone invented the smiley in the straight Jacket yet? If not, do you get money for inventing new ones? LOL

I have had the worst "Monday Part II" in a long long long time. This morning wasn't too rough, hubby and daughter left the house. I knew I was in for it when all I said to my middle child was " Ok Travis, it's time to...."....and I heard a loud thud(him hitting the floor on his knees, head thrown back, hands clenched in fists), and then a low but audible "AAAAHHHHHH". I then repeated it, making sure to say it loud enough to be heard over the next moan and groan and flop. "Time to brush your teeth", to which he reluctantly surrendered his DS and stomped into the bathroom. There we all were brushing our teeth, catastrophy averted.

Both Travis and Caleb already dressed and ready to go, I finished getting myself ready. Then the dreaded, "ok...get your back and jacket it's time to go"....."AAAAAHHHH", and thud, and then whining, and crying and huffing and puffing. That would be a combination of both Caleb and Travis at this point. Caleb used to be so excited to run out the door every morning, now, not so much. His latest technique is to do the Rolly Polly I call it. Visual...he drops to the floor, tucks his feet and head and covers his head with his arms and if I try to pick him up he just hangs like a rag doll. So, I usually have to pick him up and carry him while maneuvering his older brother out the door and to the car. Trying with all my might to light a fire under his butt, I tell you, they get slower and slower the older they get. Unless it is the park or an event that spells fun fun fun. We make it to school, no more drama, other than having to carrie Caleb the whole way. Travis wants to walk himself to class...woohoo...I tell him to take off!

The rest of my day consists of two wild childs, both approximately two and a half feet and under. It's not so bad the first hour, and the next hour and a half are pure heaven as they both get some much needed Z's. quote a very old phrase, "the shit hits the fan". I get the littlest one up first, in the high chair and onto lunch. The next is up and ready to eat, only he won't eat. I am trying to send a fax via my new fax machine, I hate electronic gadgets with a million buttons and no idea what they all do! Anyhow, I'm thinking, how hard could this be? Five minutes and I'll be done...NOPE...LOL! Caleb won't eat and the other little girl I watch is through at this point. Caleb needs a diaper, the baby needs a diaper and I'm thinking five more minutes...just five more minutes. A minute later...just one mind you, and I'm thinking, Caleb is REALLY REALLY quiet. I go into my living room to find him standing over my couch, the babies powdered formula(BIG CAN), in a heap at his feet and a mound or so on the couch and the empty container beside him. My turn..."AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" the left of him is also a bowl(had a lid at one point), that contained cornstarch at one time.

Now I'm distressed, I pull his pants off, dust him off as best I can and stick him in his bed so I don't have a mind to beat him with a noodle or something. I vaccum up the floor and the couch, not forgetting his pants, and think, ok, I'll just leave him for a few minutes where he's safe and I know I won't have a mess to clean up. I finish my fax, get the baby cleaned up and down and then change her. Next I go to get him and find to my horror that he has removed his diaper, which is not clean I might add and so lo and behold...a mess to clean up. Now the thought of needing calgon has come and gone at this point and I'm in need of a beer. I get everyone, including him cleaned, changed and ready to go get the rest of the crew. I realise then that my oldest has rehearsal, which means loading everyone back up an hour after we get home and heading back out...ggggrrrrrrrrrrr. I go to her school first and pick up her friend that I watch, then head straight over to my son's school to pick him up(waiting 30 + minutes).

You'd think that was it right? Nopers, next we tear the house apart because the DS is gone, to which Travis insists he's not had it since last night. We find it, and then it's dinner time, the kids won't eat, unless told to get ready for bed. The dog get's sick in the floor, and Caleb has fallen off the couch, knocked a picture off the wall and's actually quiet right now! Not for long I'm sure :). I need some Margurita Mix and a really big bottle of Tequila!

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Am I Losing It?

Family, I love my family, I love my brother and my sisters. I love my nieces and my nephews. My immediately family...IE my kids and my husband are my world. Does anyone have those family members that seem to live to piss you off? Their sole purpose in life is that it revolve around them and to make yours as miserable as possible, so much that you avoid them at all costs?

I don't get it....they can make HUGE, GINORMOUS, IDIOTIC mistakes or bad choices and I just try to find some silver lining. I show support and encouragement and give the shoulder if needed. Especially now that my mom is gone, it's double what it used to be as far as the toll it takes on me and my world. God forbid, I do something maybe a little out of the norm and possible happens :). Do I get support or encouragement? Hell no! I get judged and snapped at and belittled. When I point out the stupid acts that have been done by them in the past and how my reactions differed tremendously in comparison. Well...that's the past now isn't it and it has absolutely nothing to do with the here and now. In other words....they are allowed to screw up and I have to be there for them, but I screw up and it's another story and it doesn't matter one damn bit what excuses or past accounts I bring up, that's almost worse than just admitting defeat and stupidity.

Another issue that tears me up, I don't think anyone with one child can truly comprehend what parenting is like for those of us with two or more. Not to say that it makes someone any less of a parent, but well...lets face it...having more than one is a whole other world. My sister seems to think that my daughter can still spend the night and that it should be OK if my middle son stay home. He is five now, he notices these things....this is his AUNT..for Pete's sake and his cousin...who is a boy I might add. When he was a baby, we could get around it, now...not so easy. My rule is...if one is to go, then both have to go. NO EXCEPTIONS! My kids are not going to be picked and chosen at my families discretion. My sister was angry about this and has voiced it in the past, but I am not going to budge. She asked me this last time...."can't you just tell him his sister needs to get away sometimes?", I asked her if she wanted to explain that to him. No response. Then a bit later she says..."doesn't he go and spend the night at his Nana's(my MIL), by himself?", I told her yes, but that was because Katlyn never wants to go to church and that is what he does with his Nana. Then she says..."doesn't she go to her friends houses alone?", and I said yeah, but YOU are his and her AUNT...not a FRIEND...and HE(my nephew) is their COUSIN...not the same thing as a friend!!!! Am I missing something, or is she just not understanding? Am I speaking another language??

It is odd to me anyway how my sisters son, who is eight, would rather play with my 11 yr old daughter than my five yr old son. That said, he is an only child, he is totally into anything to do with computer games, or handheld games or PS2 and such. He is in no way an "outdoorsy" kind of boy, or a "cowboys and Indian's" kinda kid. My boys...well...they are very much the opposite, very much into cars and trucks and getting muddy and playing outside as much as possible. Maybe he's a little intimidated. I don't know if this is from being an only child, or if it is just is in his genes. I love him dearly...although it's kind of heartbreaking that he and I are not all that close...will probably never be close. He is his mamma's boy...and he was close to my mom, but never really to me, except when he was little. My kids are not perfect mind you, far from it. All I know is.....I love my kids and I will do everything in my power to keep them safe and happy and try my damnedest to make sure they all know they are loved as much as the other, no more, no less.

Anyhow, enough of a rant I suppose...just felt like letting off a little steam. Be back later to blow that whistle again I'm sure!