Thursday, November 29, 2007

My Poetry(one of many)

Gift of God

Something heavenly to behold

A sight more precious than any gold

Her pale blue eyes so wide and bright

With soft pink skin all aglow with life

A special sparkle from within

No other could ever take her place

Not ever could they fill the space

Her life a specal gift to some

A joy to them for times to come

Her heart will fill with love for them

To them she is a precious gem

For others will always love her so

At least they will forever know

She is loved so much by many that care

Thier shining faces with love all aglow

Now have the chance to know

What holding a little one of thier own

To which all thier love will go

With plenty of pictures to be shown

Daddy's little girl

Mommy's little baby

With soft fine hair for mommy to curl

And many a new dress to make her beautiful

Her little body an armful

She is a GIFT OF GOD

MLF;May 1986

It is certainly not a masterpiece, but there it is :). This was written when my hurt was still so raw, I was only 17, but I may as well have been an old woman. I surpassed all my friends with a knowledge few if any of them would ever experience. When placing a child, your child, your flesh, your blood, a part of your heart and soul, into someone elses arms, entrusting them with a most precious and irreplacable peace of your being. You are forever changed, hopefully, that change enhances who you become in a positive way and not the negative. But no matter what that change, it is immenent and it cannot be avoided, or tucked away to face at a later time, it is always there, lurking, waiting to rear up and let you know that you are always missing something. With time comes a sort of peace for some, for others it lies just short of thier reach. I pray that you find it and that life brings you joy and happiness for the New Year on the horizon and all the years that follow.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Tinsel, Lights, Music and Memories

It's not that I don't think of my mom at any other time of the year. It seams as if Christmastime just amplifies those feelings of loss and grief. I hear songs or see Christmas lights or families bringing home trees tied to the roof of thier cars. These remind me of years gone by, Christmas's past. It's been five years yet sometimes it feels as though it's only been days. The kids do something funny or maybe they're driving me nuts and I just want to pick up the phone and share. Other times I want to ask her for her advice on something or just to hear her words of encouragement when I'm feeling lost.
I can't call her on the phone, I can't show up on her doorstep. My kids can't see there MeMe and she can't see them. Travis and Caleb will never know my mom, this tears me up. I want to enjoy Christmas again, I want to be excited for my kids. I know that they are just as excited as I was at thier ages. I want to feel that again. Now, looking back, I wonder how my mom felt at this time of year. I was around the same age as Katlyn was when my granny passed away. It's ironic to me sometimes, and scary too. Katlyn was just six when my mom left us, the same as I was when my granny passed.
I still talk to my mom everyday and I look for something, anything, a sign to let me know she's still around. Sometimes I feel like she's next to me, watching me, watching her grandkids. Other times I feel as though she's far far away. I know however, that she's always here, with me, with us. In our hearts and memories. Love you Mom....

Friday, November 16, 2007

Worthless and Lost

Today was such a peaceful day, not rushed nor stressed, peaceful. I had my lil' Caleb who is two and this adorable little baby girl who just turned one on Wednesday. I didn't really plan to run any errands besides going to the bank. Baby girl woke up from her nap first, no biggie, I fed her and then proceeded to wake up my big baby boy. Fed him, got both of them dressed and diapers changed then headed out the door. I should have known something was up when I smelled something rotten. UGH! The baby girl was ripe...oh well, it'll have to wait til we get back from the bank. Second clue, the booster for Caleb wasn't in the car, my husband had it. I had to go anyway and just drive extremely carefully..having been in a car accident myself, this is unusual for me, I have a rule, no belt, no go. I buckled him without his seat and prayed.

Both of these should have warned me to just stay home until it was time to get the girls and my middle child and the baby girls big sister. Nope...I went on..

I am now at the point to which picking up Travis is a task that I dread. I know all the teachers at this school, the principal, geesh, the vice principal was Katlyn's fifth grade teacher last year. Now I was never, I repeat never in the office with Katlyn and she's now in sixth grade. The year isn't even half way over and Travis has been there three times, and I'm feeling like an unfit parent more and more. The last and most recent trip which required myself and my husband to be there, I thought was the worst it could possibly get...UMMMM NO. He had threatened another classmate and told him/her that he was going to go home and get his daddies gun and kill him/her. How can anything be worse than that you ask yourself, right? Hows this for ya? I picked him up today, and was confronted by his heart sank before she even spoke. Overwhelming fear and dread hit, what now...OH GOD...what now?!? He had apparently found his way into the girls bathroom this week, not sure exactly what day, and exposed himself to another little girl in his class. Can I go and crawl under a rock now? This little girl went home and told this to her mother, who in turn called the school. Not sure what is to happen now...but I seriously just want to not take him back and attempt to enroll him somewhere else. I do want to know however, why was my son able to get in there in the first place? Where was an adult? Do they have a habit of letting the kids go to the bathroom alone in kindergarten? The have a bathroom in the classroom, so if this had been the case, and his teacher just didn't see him, then that would be one thing. This, however, happened in the GIRLS bathroom. They had to have been on lunch or Recess or something...again I ask you...where was the teacher?!?

His teacher asked him about the incident and he denied that he had done it. I in turn confronted him when we got home and he did after a little coaxing, tell me that he had in fact done this and that it was only his behind that he exposed....not that that makes it any better really. I tried to explain why this was unacceptable and then we had a brief discussion about this month in general and his behavior chart. He said he didn't care...AHHHHHH....I just want to scream...loud...really really loud. I want to shake him and make him understand. What did I do wrong? Where did I fail my little boy? I see him hurting when no one wants to play with him and it tears my heart to bits. I see how happy he is when he finally does find someone who's willing to play with him. He's rough and rowdy, but he's so tender hearted and cries at movies and when he's feeling lonely. I ache, every bone every soul, aches for my baby boy. What can I do, I'm so lost, I feel like I am in a dark tunnel and there is no glimpse of light ahead.

Thursday, November 15, 2007


I am so tired, I am tired to the point at which getting out of bed requires me to take a pill and even then it is a struggle. No not a prescription or an illegal drug, but sort of like my "coffee" they are just caffeine puts a whole new spin on "revive with vivarin". I know that having kids can make you tired, but I've been "tired" for a long time, even before my kids. However, it's definitely gotten to be more of a struggle than ever. With my son and his numerous trips to the office and notes from the teacher, Katlyn and her "pre teen attitude", and Caleb and the "terrible twos", I think I'm just going to do like the bears do and hibernate!

My daughter was a quiet child in school, most of her comments were that she was "too quiet", not participating enough with the class. She had friends, don't misunderstand, she was just shy in the classroom activities. She's always gotten great grades, and the teachers have all enjoyed having her. The only time I had any other issues in her school was in kindergarten when she would have "accidents" in order to avoid computer time. That was remedied however after the second incident when her teacher and I had a conference and we took action. It was her teacher who found the solution to the "problem". When she had a third "accident", her teacher still made her finish her computer time after she returned in fresh clothes. She discovered that it was better to just do her computer time with the rest of her classmates than to be alone and watching her friends doing other Center activities she enjoyed. As she moved on through elementary school we enrolled her in soccer as a way to bring her out of her shell a bit, this worked wonders....she is not the most outgoing in her class, but she is not afraid to join in and even got up and sang a song in front of her entire third grade class!!!!

Travis, on the other hand is a whole other ball game. I should have known from his year in Pre K, how his Kindergarten year would go. That said, I could not have fathomed that the year wouldn't be half over and I'd have been to see not only his vice principal...twice, but his principal as well, a total of four times. I've had an hour long conversation with his teacher, spoken to his PE teacher and the counselor...I just want to crawl under a rock! His first trips to the office were because he tried to "choke" another child and apparently himself and he supposedly hit another boy(unprovoked) like a five yr old boy to me! The second trip was for him hitting a little girl, AFTER SCHOOL, which may I add, if they had sent him to the car as I had asked, because he was standing at the door looking for me(because they called his name), and then they sent him back to sit down. This last trip was only yesterday, he apparently told a little boy he was going to bring his daddy's gun to school and kill him???!!!! WTF???? Sad thing was that I had just mentioned to his teacher how well he'd been doing at home and she said he was doing much better at school the past couple of days. Lo and behold, I should have just dropped him off and left...because the call I recieved later just made my heart sink. Let me first say that even though my husband has a gun, it is locked, unloaded and the bullets are in another place...both of which are hidden...I don't even know where they both are. Likewise, we have never spoken of it's existence in front of any of our kids, nor has it been out for them to see, so they have no idea it is in the house. With all the school shootings and things happening now a days in ALL the schools, they had to take drastic measures and my husband and I had to come to the school...the whole time all I can think is...HE'S ONLY FIVE!!!!! He just turned five in July ppl!!!! He hasn't barely gotten out of being a four year old!!!!

I am just so tired, lost, and have no idea where to go to get this figured I have Caleb who is exhibiting much the same characteristics as Travis...he's sneakier though! I'm saying a prayer everyday to help me get through the terrible twos, the frightening fives and the terrifying tweens...AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

That River of Patience Still Illudes Me....

It's been a year now and I'm still hanging on, however my patience has not improved much with age. I thought that the older you get the more patience you're supposed to aquire...I'M STILL WAITING!!!!!! I used to go on my computer everyday, sometimes the majority of the day and stay up til the wee hours of the morning..chatting, searching...hoping. Now that I've found the what I was searching for, it's still so far out of reach. I feel like a dog when you hold a treat above thier head and make them beg for it, but never give it to them. My lack of patience and forboding depression has led me to stay far far away from my computer as of late. If I don't go on, then I won't be tempted to check my email every five minutes or log onto facebook even though I know that the message I long for is not there. As the saying goes..."what you don't know can't hurt you"....If I don't look, and stay away and keep occupied then it can't hurt.

I'm waiting the only way I know how. The only solution to my lack of patience that keeps me sane, or some semblance of it anyway. I try to take the little bit that I am given and be satisfied with that. Take the "glass is half full" mindset and keep repeating it over and over again until I believe it. One day there will be more, one day there will be more to our communication that this necessity of a machine that so many of us turn to in these "modern" times. Long gone are actually pulling out a pen and paper and sending a letter, a "personal" letter, to someone. Now it is via the vast cables and lines that run through our cities that we communicate with our friends and loved ones. To me an inpersonable machine with which to keep in touch with people we care about, but in our hectic world, it seems a necessity with which we cannot do without. I am longing for the moment when I will actually have that piece of paper, either a letter or a card with which to cherish the fact that it was with a pen and with her own hand that these words were formed. The knowledge that her fingers held this treasure that I now can tuck away and read over and over again til my heart is content.

I'm still searching for that patience, but who knows what will satisfy this hunger to know as much about her as I can safely store in the corners of my mind, to think about when time allows. Will it be that first "real" letter, will it be the first time I hear her voice on the phone? Could it be when, if ever, I get to see her face to face, possible share an embrace and finally tell her everything I've wanted to tell her for the past twenty one years? Only time will tell. Until then....I wait....however impatiently...I wait...