Worthless and Lost

Today was such a peaceful day, not rushed nor stressed, peaceful. I had my lil' Caleb who is two and this adorable little baby girl who just turned one on Wednesday. I didn't really plan to run any errands besides going to the bank. Baby girl woke up from her nap first, no biggie, I fed her and then proceeded to wake up my big baby boy. Fed him, got both of them dressed and diapers changed then headed out the door. I should have known something was up when I smelled something rotten. UGH! The baby girl was ripe...oh well, it'll have to wait til we get back from the bank. Second clue, the booster for Caleb wasn't in the car, my husband had it. I had to go anyway and just drive extremely carefully..having been in a car accident myself, this is unusual for me, I have a rule, no belt, no go. I buckled him without his seat and prayed.

Both of these should have warned me to just stay home until it was time to get the girls and my middle child and the baby girls big sister. Nope...I went on..

I am now at the point to which picking up Travis is a task that I dread. I know all the teachers at this school, the principal, geesh, the vice principal was Katlyn's fifth grade teacher last year. Now I was never, I repeat never in the office with Katlyn and she's now in sixth grade. The year isn't even half way over and Travis has been there three times, and I'm feeling like an unfit parent more and more. The last and most recent trip which required myself and my husband to be there, I thought was the worst it could possibly get...UMMMM NO. He had threatened another classmate and told him/her that he was going to go home and get his daddies gun and kill him/her. How can anything be worse than that you ask yourself, right? Hows this for ya? I picked him up today, and was confronted by his teacher...my heart sank before she even spoke. Overwhelming fear and dread hit, what now...OH GOD...what now?!? He had apparently found his way into the girls bathroom this week, not sure exactly what day, and exposed himself to another little girl in his class. Can I go and crawl under a rock now? This little girl went home and told this to her mother, who in turn called the school. Not sure what is to happen now...but I seriously just want to not take him back and attempt to enroll him somewhere else. I do want to know however, why was my son able to get in there in the first place? Where was an adult? Do they have a habit of letting the kids go to the bathroom alone in kindergarten? The have a bathroom in the classroom, so if this had been the case, and his teacher just didn't see him, then that would be one thing. This, however, happened in the GIRLS bathroom. They had to have been on lunch or Recess or something...again I ask you...where was the teacher?!?

His teacher asked him about the incident and he denied that he had done it. I in turn confronted him when we got home and he did after a little coaxing, tell me that he had in fact done this and that it was only his behind that he exposed....not that that makes it any better really. I tried to explain why this was unacceptable and then we had a brief discussion about this month in general and his behavior chart. He said he didn't care...AHHHHHH....I just want to scream...loud...really really loud. I want to shake him and make him understand. What did I do wrong? Where did I fail my little boy? I see him hurting when no one wants to play with him and it tears my heart to bits. I see how happy he is when he finally does find someone who's willing to play with him. He's rough and rowdy, but he's so tender hearted and cries at movies and when he's feeling lonely. I ache, every bone every muscle...my soul, aches for my baby boy. What can I do, I'm so lost, I feel like I am in a dark tunnel and there is no glimpse of light ahead.