It's not that I don't think of my mom at any other time of the year. It seams as if Christmastime just amplifies those feelings of loss and grief. I hear songs or see Christmas lights or families bringing home trees tied to the roof of thier cars. These remind me of years gone by, Christmas's past. It's been five years yet sometimes it feels as though it's only been days. The kids do something funny or maybe they're driving me nuts and I just want to pick up the phone and share. Other times I want to ask her for her advice on something or just to hear her words of encouragement when I'm feeling lost.
I can't call her on the phone, I can't show up on her doorstep. My kids can't see there MeMe and she can't see them. Travis and Caleb will never know my mom, this tears me up. I want to enjoy Christmas again, I want to be excited for my kids. I know that they are just as excited as I was at thier ages. I want to feel that again. Now, looking back, I wonder how my mom felt at this time of year. I was around the same age as Katlyn was when my granny passed away. It's ironic to me sometimes, and scary too. Katlyn was just six when my mom left us, the same as I was when my granny passed.
I still talk to my mom everyday and I look for something, anything, a sign to let me know she's still around. Sometimes I feel like she's next to me, watching me, watching her grandkids. Other times I feel as though she's far far away. I know however, that she's always here, with me, with us. In our hearts and memories. Love you Mom....
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