That River of Patience Still Illudes Me....

It's been a year now and I'm still hanging on, however my patience has not improved much with age. I thought that the older you get the more patience you're supposed to aquire...I'M STILL WAITING!!!!!! I used to go on my computer everyday, sometimes the majority of the day and stay up til the wee hours of the morning..chatting, searching...hoping. Now that I've found the what I was searching for, it's still so far out of reach. I feel like a dog when you hold a treat above thier head and make them beg for it, but never give it to them. My lack of patience and forboding depression has led me to stay far far away from my computer as of late. If I don't go on, then I won't be tempted to check my email every five minutes or log onto facebook even though I know that the message I long for is not there. As the saying goes..."what you don't know can't hurt you"....If I don't look, and stay away and keep occupied then it can't hurt.

I'm waiting the only way I know how. The only solution to my lack of patience that keeps me sane, or some semblance of it anyway. I try to take the little bit that I am given and be satisfied with that. Take the "glass is half full" mindset and keep repeating it over and over again until I believe it. One day there will be more, one day there will be more to our communication that this necessity of a machine that so many of us turn to in these "modern" times. Long gone are actually pulling out a pen and paper and sending a letter, a "personal" letter, to someone. Now it is via the vast cables and lines that run through our cities that we communicate with our friends and loved ones. To me an inpersonable machine with which to keep in touch with people we care about, but in our hectic world, it seems a necessity with which we cannot do without. I am longing for the moment when I will actually have that piece of paper, either a letter or a card with which to cherish the fact that it was with a pen and with her own hand that these words were formed. The knowledge that her fingers held this treasure that I now can tuck away and read over and over again til my heart is content.

I'm still searching for that patience, but who knows what will satisfy this hunger to know as much about her as I can safely store in the corners of my mind, to think about when time allows. Will it be that first "real" letter, will it be the first time I hear her voice on the phone? Could it be when, if ever, I get to see her face to face, possible share an embrace and finally tell her everything I've wanted to tell her for the past twenty one years? Only time will tell. Until then....I wait....however impatiently...I wait...