I Feel I've Failed

I know part of this "depression", yep, I'll call it what it is..."depression", is because of the weather today. Rainy, dreary days always make me tired and listless and not wanting to do anything except crawl back into bed and stay there. Which, as you know, being a mom makes this impossible.

It's been over a year and a half now of me staying at home and I love my kids, but I hate being at home. I don't have any friends to speak of, that I see or spend time with that is. I spend all day long with no one older than 12 yrs of age. As of late, I don't want to do anything, because I feel half the time I'm chasing my tail. I hate my house, it's old, it's dusty, and there are so many things that need to be done to it, it literally makes me ill just to think about it. Every now and again I get a bug up my butt and clean like crazy. I get really excited when I get a couple of rooms done, only to get aggrivated and upset as I attempt another room and come back to find the other two are right back where they were before.

I feel tired, angry, and irritated all the time now. What good am I doing my children if all I ever do is yell at them and am angry with them??? Travis is failing Kindergarten for Pete's sake! I am so busy trying to clean or too depressed to do anything that I have failed him. He needs my help and I am here...but I'm not. His daddy is working two jobs to keep me home and for what??? So he can die young and leave me a widow with three kids??? Why?? Why can't I do this?? What am I doing wrong?? I don't ever want to go on the computer anymore. This being my only link to Robyn and my "sisters", making me feel even more alone and feeling guilty for not being there when my "sisters" need me. I have this blog and I think of things to blog about, but can never muster the time or energy to blog and when I do, I have lost any ideas of what I was going to put here. My myspace page is still in Christmas theme and my facebook has so many notifications and pokes and invites it's scary and daunting.

Before I had Travis and my mom passed and my husband and I separated for a yr, I was a totally different person. I made all my daughters halloween costumes and all her birthday cakes. I always sent out the invitations on time and never forgot to send "thank you" cards. I always sent Christmas cards to everyone and I never forgot things. I knew everyones birthdays and phone numbers by heart. Now, I am always late with the Christmas cards...if I even remember to send them, and I usually end up sending birthday invitations via computer or phonecalls. I am always rushing last minute to make birthday cakes, or lately I just break down and buy one, and heaven forbid I make all three of my kids costumes for Halloween.

I feel lately, like I've fallen in a giant black hole with no hopes of escape. I cry at the drop of a hat and get angry just as fast. My language as of late is atrocious, which is rubbing off on my oldest boy, and making it's way to his classroom...not a good thing! I don't want to go back to work, HELP, how can I get past this? I want to be here for my kids, but I have lost me in the process...how do I get "me" back?? Feeling like a huge failure to my kids, my husband and most of all myself.