MOM

Sorry....but this will be sad, don't go on if you don't want to cry!!
I cannot believe it has been five years now, and I think of my mom as much today as I did the day she went away. I think overall, that out of all my siblings, I handled her passing pretty well. Funny, the things you think of at times like those, I was afraid her last thoughts would be that she was upset at the fact that it was my baby shower. Of course, I was concerned that instead of her going peacefully, that was what she worried about. I was pregnant with my first son and only weeks away from my delivery date. My mom had watched Katlyn from birth, I had such a rough pregnancy, it was nice to have at least the comfort of knowing my daughter was safe and well cared for.

Now looking back, I see how easily it could have happened on a day when it was just my mom and Katlyn alone. That thought scared me tremendously. I will never forget that day as long as I live. After speaking with my sister to let her know I was on my way, it was just a ten minute or so drive to my mom's. We turned on the street and saw the fire trucks and ambulance and I don't remember getting out of the car. I remember my sister looking pale and tears streaming down her face as I raced to the door as fast as my huge belly would let me. She said two words...forever etched in my mind "It's Mom..." I wish now that I could have held my composure more or had sense enough to have someone take Katlyn to another room, but all I could see was the men on the floor in the kitchen, surrounding my mom. They worked and worked on her, and then they put her on a stretcher and rushed her through the living room and toward the front door. In that split second, I grabbed her hand and sqeezed.

Although they were still working on her, I knew in my heart she was not with us anymore. I remember the officer holding me back....and I remember calling "mama" over and over...and then Katlyn with her arms wrapped around me telling me it'll be ok mommy. Just a few weeks later at the same hospital that my mom was brought to, I delivered my son. All the memories of my mom being there when I had my sonograms constantly going through my mind. The last day I saw her was the two days before the shower, at one of those visits, I knew she didn't look well but it was hot and she'd been driving around all day. Needless to say, I did not have my second son at that hospital and dread driving by there. I never thought I would be saving my maternity clothes, because I wore them to my mothers funeral. Anyhow, even though it's been this long, it still seems like yesterday. It's hard not to pick up the phone and call my mom when something funny happens with my kids or when something important happens in my life. It gets easier, but it never goes away.....I miss you mom as much today as the day you went away, I love you.

Mama

Mama it's been so long

Sometimes it's hard to believe I haven't talked to you in almost a year now

I always think of you

I can see you doing all of the little things you used to do

I remember how you stayed up late

Drinking your cup of coffee and playing solitaire

I remember how you used one spoonfull and a half of sugar

And just a little cream

Funny the things you think of when someone is gone

The silly little things that make you cry

In the same instant make you smile

I miss talking to you about the trials and accomplishments in my life

I miss your words of encouragement

As well as your all knowing silence when you disapproved

I miss your upside down frown when you had just woken up

Or when you were deep in thought

There are so many things that I miss about you

I could never list them all

It would take all the trees on Gods green earth to do this

So I guess I'll just put down the most endearing to me

Of all the things I miss about you

I miss the way you brightened up everyone's lives

The way you brought out the goodness in all your children

In how much you loved and were loved by your grandchildren

Mama we love you dearly

Mama we miss you terribly

Mama we'll think of you always

Mama we will try to be what you hoped we could be

Mama I hope we make you proud

Goodnight Mama

Sweet Dreams

Written by Michelle N.

June 20th 2003