Thoughts of Yesterday

I cannot believe that 21 yrs have passed since I told my first daughter I loved you and said goodbye to her for the last time. What a beautiful young woman she has grown into. Not that I know her personally, just in what she's told me and shown me since we've been "talking". I never dreamed when I was that pregnant scared 16 yr old that I'd be here today, sending her messages and hearing about her day. Knowing that she is an independent woman with dreams and goals and parents that helped her to be who she is today. It helps to see how goal oriented she is and that she has so many talents that she is mastering, what amazing gifts she's been given.

I would be lying if I said I am still certain the choice I made was the right one. There will always be the lingering "what if?", but I did make the choice I thought I had to make at that time in my life. I can say with certainty that I believed in my heart that the choice I made was for her, about her and without a doubt the hardest and most life altering choice I've ever had to make. Yes I did go on to have more children and yes they were life altering events for me as well. However, unlike most first time parents, who's lives are altered due to the birth of their child(ren), I had to live with the pain of knowing that my firstborn was out there somewhere and possibly one day might want to know why I didn't keep her too. So my joy of the birth of my preceding children is forever "saddened" in a way, with the guilt of having chosen to place my firstborn into the arms of another. Never hearing her call me mom and being able to see her do all the firsts that so many parents long for. Looking into the faces of my other children when I held them for the first time, I was reminded of the one I will never hold again.

I still believe that I had all the right reasons to place my first daughter. I've seen other birth moms whose reasons were much the same. They wanted their child to have everything they couldn't give them. They wanted their child to have two parents, and they wanted their child to not have to ever "want" for anything. They wanted their child to have things they didn't. I wanted all those things and more....but now, I have a whole new spin on this. Aren't the most important things, love and nurturing and home and nourishment? I could have given her these. I could have been the one she called Mommy. My mom was a single mom and for me, that is partly why I chose to place. Not because I didn't think I could do it, but because I saw my mom struggle and that was hard for me to see. I didn't want to think of my first daughter being saddened by watching me struggle to take care of her. I wanted her to be a child and not "worry" about her mom having to work two jobs or split shifts to be able to keep a roof over her head or keep food on the table. I wanted her to have the peace of mind that I thought a child would have if he/she had two parents taking care of her.
Hindsight is 20/20 they say, and they would be right. I now have the knowledge of a mother of three(four in my heart), to know that two parents does not mean a child will not worry about his/her parents and whatever hardships they have to endure. I know now that a child will always worry and be concerned about his/her parents...or parent, whatever the case may be. Life is not easy, for any of us, well.....for most of us. I made the choice I did out of love it is true, but that does not change the fact that had I known then what I know now.....maybe things would be different today. I may have been more likely to have kept my firstborn in my life and not just in my heart and memories. That said, she is and will always be my firstborn and part of my heart and soul. I pray that one day we will meet and I can hold her in my arms again. And if that day never comes, I will always have the memory of that sweet sleeping angel I held in my arms.