Time Stands Still

It has been awhile since my last entry, thought it was time for an update on the news my first daughter shared with me only a few weeks ago. Seeing as she's apparently shared her joyous news with her friends, I am hoping that it is safe for me to share it as well. She is going to be a Mom, and I am thrilled for her, for her Parents...soon to be Grand parents. In as much as I am happy and excited for her, there is unfortunately an underlying feeling of jealousy and sadness for me. That baby that I said good bye to over twenty years ago is going to have a baby of her own. That right of being able to spoil my grand baby isn't going to happen this time. I am NOT "grandma", I am NOTHING to this baby on the way. Wow! I never never thought this far ahead when I signed those papers and kissed my first daughter goodbye. Never in a million years had I dreamed that that decision would leave me saying "goodbye" all over again.

I am linked to her, which makes me linked to her unborn child too doesn't it? To any unborn yet to come??? Some say that when an adopted child becomes a parent, the need to reunite or at least to "find out where they came from" kicks in. How does this work when we are already in the process of a reunion...of sorts, which consists of the occasional message back and forth via a website? She obviously isn't ready or doesn't have any desire to know of my(her) story, why I chose to relinquish. Who her father is, or how we met. She doesn't desire any information up to and including that of her birth. I have not offered, as I was told she would let me know when she was ready. Now I am questioning, how will she feel as her pregnancy progresses and after she has brought her sweet baby home? Will she want or need to know more about her past, her biological family...OR, will her feelings turn to that of anger? Anger at my choice to give up my rights to parent her, because now, she will know the overwhelming love that comes with that first look on your precious child. Maybe she will wonder how on earth I could look at her sweet, beautiful little face and still choose to give my right to parent to another. So many questions, not a single answer.

I suppose I will just keep doing what I'm doing. Try to be as patient, as understanding, as non threatening as possible. Let her continue to take the lead and see where it takes us. Try not to get heart broken at the thought of not being able to see her on the day of her baby shower or to help throw it for her even. I'll make this blanket that I hope she will love and cherish and that my first firstgrandchild will treasure someday. This is the tradition that my mom started for her grand babies and I intend to continue that same tradition, even if I am not or cannot be the grandparent that I long to be. I'll wait patiently, and pray everyday that one day this path that she and I are on takes us one step further and hopefully leads to more than just this cyber relationship that we seem destined to continue for now. I long to hear her voice, I ache to see her in person and give her the biggest hug possible, but I'll wait....as long as it takes, until she's ready.

I have no right.....Or do I?

My jealousy is making it hard to stay focused. I found out some scary, wonderful, and downright terrifying news from Robyn this weekend. I think that the shock of it will last until I finally have that face to face that I'm longing for. I cannot give any detail just yet, but lets just say that it's life altering, as much as having Robyn was life altering for me. All my kids for that matter! Anyhow, I'm trying to be supportive and comforting and MATURE about the situation. I have offered my advice and feel as if I am a long distance friend rather than her first mother. I know that I have no right to be apart of her life anymore than she has allowed me to be up to this point. However, I am forever linked to her and when she has children, am I not linked to them as well?

I have been brewing this over and over in my head. I concieved her, I carried her in my body. Went through the morning sickness, the swelling hands and feet, the aches, the lack of sleep either from being uncomfortable or the having to pee twenty times in the night. Through the heartburn that had me up sick in the middle of the night and downing antacids like they were candy. Made it through the stretchmarks and the horrible scar left after an emergency C section. I remember the first time I saw her after waking up in the recovery room, all alone at three in the morning, just she and I. Looking at her in the little light that barely brightened the room. Sleeping, so soft and smelled so sweet, pulling her little cap off to see her beautiful blonde hair and opening her blanket to do the ritual test of ten fingers, ten toes. I had her with me, just the two of us, for four long wonderful days. So many times I wanted to change my mind and take her home with me. All I kept thinking was that I would hurt so many people, her "parents", my mom, who worked so hard for me and my sister. I kept telling myself that what I was doing was the right thing...for her, everything for her. Now, I wonder, was it really just for her, or was it my fear of hurting someone else if I didn't go through. I imagine it was a combination of many things.

I am jealous now, of all the firsts I missed. All the firsts that I'm missing and all the firsts yet to come. Especially those yet to come. When she has children, her Mom gets to be grandma, this wouldn't have been possible without me. I never thought of this before, there are alot more possibilites for her parents than just that of being parents, now they can be grandparents too, and everything that comes with. If she has children, does that make me a "firstgrandma"? Since I made my choice, who am I in her life? Who will I be to her children? Just a woman who gave her life and then gave her away? I can only hope that one day, I will be more than just that woman, that I can maybe be more than just a friend. I know I cannot and could not ever be her Mom, but I would like to be something more. I feel like I don't have the right to feel this, but these are my feelings nonetheless.

Breathe in Breathe out......:)

I feel so much better. This past week has been a ton better than it has been for awhile. Aside from some shocking news that I'm still recovering from, I feel so much better. I made up my mind that I am going to get up every morning and say a prayer and take several breaths before I get out of bed and start my day. Aside from a headache that is unrelenting, not related to stress, it's allergies...LOL. I feel pretty....what's the word...content...relaxed....calm? Either one will work. It just took me blogging about my frustrations and feelings to make a whole world of difference. Well, that and the advice from my friends(sisters). It makes the world a much happier place when you have somewhere to vent and people who will "listen" and offer to be there for you.

I think I had several things working against me. First, the fact that I am not used to being at home all the time and secondly, I'm frustrated because hubby and I never seem to have any time to ourselves anymore. He's working all the time which is frustrating to me and very tiring for him and I think it actually makes me feel guilty. Like I'm not contributing or anything. I know I stay at home and watch the kids all day and do other things that are important and necessary, but I still feel like I'm not doing enough sometimes.

Anyhow, I am tired of feeling like crap and I'm gonna do my damndest to not procastinate and do what I need to do to get back on track. I am determined to get my house situated and organized. I need some ME time...reading, writing, drawing....maybe use the oil paint set for dummies I got for Christmas...LOL. Spend more time on here chatting with my friends. I need to go out and do some things for myself like I used to. Get my nails done, get addicted to pedicures(no Brazilian, I draw the line there!), and go shopping for ME! It will get better, I will be as stress free as I can....I will not let my kids drive me nutz...oh wait....that might be a lost cause. I'm gonna do like that song says..."I will survive" :)

I Feel I've Failed

I know part of this "depression", yep, I'll call it what it is..."depression", is because of the weather today. Rainy, dreary days always make me tired and listless and not wanting to do anything except crawl back into bed and stay there. Which, as you know, being a mom makes this impossible.

It's been over a year and a half now of me staying at home and I love my kids, but I hate being at home. I don't have any friends to speak of, that I see or spend time with that is. I spend all day long with no one older than 12 yrs of age. As of late, I don't want to do anything, because I feel half the time I'm chasing my tail. I hate my house, it's old, it's dusty, and there are so many things that need to be done to it, it literally makes me ill just to think about it. Every now and again I get a bug up my butt and clean like crazy. I get really excited when I get a couple of rooms done, only to get aggrivated and upset as I attempt another room and come back to find the other two are right back where they were before.

I feel tired, angry, and irritated all the time now. What good am I doing my children if all I ever do is yell at them and am angry with them??? Travis is failing Kindergarten for Pete's sake! I am so busy trying to clean or too depressed to do anything that I have failed him. He needs my help and I am here...but I'm not. His daddy is working two jobs to keep me home and for what??? So he can die young and leave me a widow with three kids??? Why?? Why can't I do this?? What am I doing wrong?? I don't ever want to go on the computer anymore. This being my only link to Robyn and my "sisters", making me feel even more alone and feeling guilty for not being there when my "sisters" need me. I have this blog and I think of things to blog about, but can never muster the time or energy to blog and when I do, I have lost any ideas of what I was going to put here. My myspace page is still in Christmas theme and my facebook has so many notifications and pokes and invites it's scary and daunting.

Before I had Travis and my mom passed and my husband and I separated for a yr, I was a totally different person. I made all my daughters halloween costumes and all her birthday cakes. I always sent out the invitations on time and never forgot to send "thank you" cards. I always sent Christmas cards to everyone and I never forgot things. I knew everyones birthdays and phone numbers by heart. Now, I am always late with the Christmas cards...if I even remember to send them, and I usually end up sending birthday invitations via computer or phonecalls. I am always rushing last minute to make birthday cakes, or lately I just break down and buy one, and heaven forbid I make all three of my kids costumes for Halloween.

I feel lately, like I've fallen in a giant black hole with no hopes of escape. I cry at the drop of a hat and get angry just as fast. My language as of late is atrocious, which is rubbing off on my oldest boy, and making it's way to his classroom...not a good thing! I don't want to go back to work, HELP, how can I get past this? I want to be here for my kids, but I have lost me in the process...how do I get "me" back?? Feeling like a huge failure to my kids, my husband and most of all myself.