I have no right.....Or do I?

My jealousy is making it hard to stay focused. I found out some scary, wonderful, and downright terrifying news from Robyn this weekend. I think that the shock of it will last until I finally have that face to face that I'm longing for. I cannot give any detail just yet, but lets just say that it's life altering, as much as having Robyn was life altering for me. All my kids for that matter! Anyhow, I'm trying to be supportive and comforting and MATURE about the situation. I have offered my advice and feel as if I am a long distance friend rather than her first mother. I know that I have no right to be apart of her life anymore than she has allowed me to be up to this point. However, I am forever linked to her and when she has children, am I not linked to them as well?

I have been brewing this over and over in my head. I concieved her, I carried her in my body. Went through the morning sickness, the swelling hands and feet, the aches, the lack of sleep either from being uncomfortable or the having to pee twenty times in the night. Through the heartburn that had me up sick in the middle of the night and downing antacids like they were candy. Made it through the stretchmarks and the horrible scar left after an emergency C section. I remember the first time I saw her after waking up in the recovery room, all alone at three in the morning, just she and I. Looking at her in the little light that barely brightened the room. Sleeping, so soft and smelled so sweet, pulling her little cap off to see her beautiful blonde hair and opening her blanket to do the ritual test of ten fingers, ten toes. I had her with me, just the two of us, for four long wonderful days. So many times I wanted to change my mind and take her home with me. All I kept thinking was that I would hurt so many people, her "parents", my mom, who worked so hard for me and my sister. I kept telling myself that what I was doing was the right thing...for her, everything for her. Now, I wonder, was it really just for her, or was it my fear of hurting someone else if I didn't go through. I imagine it was a combination of many things.

I am jealous now, of all the firsts I missed. All the firsts that I'm missing and all the firsts yet to come. Especially those yet to come. When she has children, her Mom gets to be grandma, this wouldn't have been possible without me. I never thought of this before, there are alot more possibilites for her parents than just that of being parents, now they can be grandparents too, and everything that comes with. If she has children, does that make me a "firstgrandma"? Since I made my choice, who am I in her life? Who will I be to her children? Just a woman who gave her life and then gave her away? I can only hope that one day, I will be more than just that woman, that I can maybe be more than just a friend. I know I cannot and could not ever be her Mom, but I would like to be something more. I feel like I don't have the right to feel this, but these are my feelings nonetheless.