The Adventures of Caleb

It has been quite awhile since I've posted, I don't know if I remember how...LOL.
Woohoo! The kids are in school again and I'm home alone with my wonderful baby boy. Soon to be two and every bit the two yr old terror that little boys can be. He is the quiet one, the one that didn't say "mom" until just a few months ago, I was elated when he did. Now...I want him to forget my name....HAHAHA. He was the child that pointed and grunted and that was how he got what he wanted, try as we might to get him to say "drink" or "more" or "juice" for that matter. Eventually we'd just cave in and let him have it. He's also the one I have to watch constantly, he burned his hand one night and didn't cry or scream or even whine. My husband found it when wiping him off after dinner and by this point, to our horror and amazement, the blister was the size of a small marble. We told him it was an ouchy(owy?), and that he touched something hot, and from then on his ouchy was "hot". Later, he stuck his hand in an ant pile and came over with approximately ten ants on his hand and at least 20 to 30 stings....all he did was hold his hand up and whine. Not one teardrop!!!!!
God love him, he is my baby...he's so hard to discipline or reprimand. I cannot imagine my world without him, or any one of my kids. You would think, with it just being him and I, that he wouldn't have the opportunity to get "into" any trouble right??? Well, not my little angel...lol. This incident happened when I was only four feet from him washing dishes. He was sitting at the dinner table, upon which was my purse, not realising at the time that he had confiscated my mascara and thinking that he was being a doll by sitting and eating his lunch, I continued with my task. When I had finished, I proceeded to go and give him a snuggle and a kiss, only to find that my littlest joy had been busy with something besides eating his lunch. He was grinning from ear to ear with black muck on his teeth, his tongue and beautiful round face. It was hard to be mad, especially when I was fighting the urge to burst into huge waves of laughter. Oh the wonderful world of mommyhood!
Just a little story to add that happened today....for those of you with children, I am positive most, if not all can relate to this. I was in the bathroom to which I am NEVER alone, for some reason, this requires an audience. Anyhow, I was "finished" and ready to wipe myself, and to my horror, my baby had stolen the toilet tissue! I tried to explain to him that Mommy needed this and that I needed him to bring it back....the response was his sweet smile and blank stare....LOL. Then...aha! I told him, "Caleb, please bring mommy the potty paper, I need to clean my bo bo(what we call his bottom)(sorry if TMI)...." Lo and behold, a light goes off in his head and his eyes light up with understanding.....and away his little legs carry him. To my joy, amazement, and amusement, he brings me his wipes!!! I love my life.

Thoughts of Yesterday

I cannot believe that 21 yrs have passed since I told my first daughter I loved you and said goodbye to her for the last time. What a beautiful young woman she has grown into. Not that I know her personally, just in what she's told me and shown me since we've been "talking". I never dreamed when I was that pregnant scared 16 yr old that I'd be here today, sending her messages and hearing about her day. Knowing that she is an independent woman with dreams and goals and parents that helped her to be who she is today. It helps to see how goal oriented she is and that she has so many talents that she is mastering, what amazing gifts she's been given.

I would be lying if I said I am still certain the choice I made was the right one. There will always be the lingering "what if?", but I did make the choice I thought I had to make at that time in my life. I can say with certainty that I believed in my heart that the choice I made was for her, about her and without a doubt the hardest and most life altering choice I've ever had to make. Yes I did go on to have more children and yes they were life altering events for me as well. However, unlike most first time parents, who's lives are altered due to the birth of their child(ren), I had to live with the pain of knowing that my firstborn was out there somewhere and possibly one day might want to know why I didn't keep her too. So my joy of the birth of my preceding children is forever "saddened" in a way, with the guilt of having chosen to place my firstborn into the arms of another. Never hearing her call me mom and being able to see her do all the firsts that so many parents long for. Looking into the faces of my other children when I held them for the first time, I was reminded of the one I will never hold again.

I still believe that I had all the right reasons to place my first daughter. I've seen other birth moms whose reasons were much the same. They wanted their child to have everything they couldn't give them. They wanted their child to have two parents, and they wanted their child to not have to ever "want" for anything. They wanted their child to have things they didn't. I wanted all those things and more....but now, I have a whole new spin on this. Aren't the most important things, love and nurturing and home and nourishment? I could have given her these. I could have been the one she called Mommy. My mom was a single mom and for me, that is partly why I chose to place. Not because I didn't think I could do it, but because I saw my mom struggle and that was hard for me to see. I didn't want to think of my first daughter being saddened by watching me struggle to take care of her. I wanted her to be a child and not "worry" about her mom having to work two jobs or split shifts to be able to keep a roof over her head or keep food on the table. I wanted her to have the peace of mind that I thought a child would have if he/she had two parents taking care of her.
Hindsight is 20/20 they say, and they would be right. I now have the knowledge of a mother of three(four in my heart), to know that two parents does not mean a child will not worry about his/her parents and whatever hardships they have to endure. I know now that a child will always worry and be concerned about his/her parents...or parent, whatever the case may be. Life is not easy, for any of us, well.....for most of us. I made the choice I did out of love it is true, but that does not change the fact that had I known then what I know now.....maybe things would be different today. I may have been more likely to have kept my firstborn in my life and not just in my heart and memories. That said, she is and will always be my firstborn and part of my heart and soul. I pray that one day we will meet and I can hold her in my arms again. And if that day never comes, I will always have the memory of that sweet sleeping angel I held in my arms.

Some Hidden Secret?

I have a new found admiration for SAHM's, after having been one for just over a year now. I had all these expectations, I thought it would be just like what you see on television. Somehow, I expected to be Supermom.....NOT! Oh heavens...how on earth do some mom's do this day in and day out and not go totally insane?? How do they change diapers, clean kids, cook, wash laundry, clean house(spotless!), and manage to get in a shower for themselves, read a book or just plain do anything that doesn't require Mr. Clean, a sponge, a dustpan and wipes and desitin??? On top of all this, they still manage to grocery shop and be PTA moms....co ordinate magnificent parties and maybe even have an at home business on the side...and unbelievably still be able to have a truly heartwarming fucking smile on their face!!!

You never see them yell at their kids, they say things like..."Michael, we don't hit our sister", or "Cindy, we don't throw"....and "Do we need a time out?" Can I throw up now?? I feel like I'm going insane, and I cannot seem to keep one room clean for longer than five minutes...much less an entire house. I spend my day mopping floors, cleaning clothes and dishes, picking up toys, only to turn around at the end of the day and it looks as if I sat on my couch watching soaps! Sometimes I feel like I need a straight jacket and a rubber room. People used to tell me all the time, "you should be a PTA mom", because I make my kids birthday cakes and because I sew their costumes for Halloween. Yeah RIGHT!!!! I can't even hardly manage to get a shower in, and heaven forbid I attempt to read a book. I cannot fathom setting up some school activity or hosting a school party....I'd have to be co ordinated and be able to function in a stressful setting...soooo not something I'm capable of.

I am not organised enough to plan something like that...my mom used to tell me, "I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached", how right she was! I love my kids, don't get me wrong, I love watching other peoples children. I have even gotten certified in CPR and First Aid. I am still trying to figure out how on earth to enjoy it and not lose my ever loving mind! I need some pointers, some glorious knowledge about being a SAHM that I am not aware of....I NEED DRUGS!!!! A PILL!!!!! LOL

Maybe one day I'll figure it all out, I'll find the secret to staying home and not wanting to tie all my kids up in one room and stick cotton in my ears :). Seriously....how do those mom's do it? They are MY IDOLS!

What if....? The question most often asked, but rarely IF ever answered.

Oh to be young again, to go back and relive those carefree days of not having to be "responsible". No hard decisions to make, like whether or not to pay the phone bill this check or next or what food to put on the table to feed a family? For that matter, no worries about where that money or food will come from. IF I had only known at thirteen what I would experience at 14,15 and 16...maybe my choices might have been different. Now...here I sit some 20 something years later thinking...what if...??? What if that really cute boy hadn't moved onto my street, what if I had never tried beer...what if I'd never smoked cigarettes or tried pot? What if....and the biggest what if of all...what if I'd never given in to that cute boy when he asked me for sex?

A couple of facts to go along with the what ifs....I would not have had my "first love", I would not have done that horrible dreadful thing that no one talks of at the tender age of 15. I would not have been pregnant at 16 and an emotional wreck at 17, telling my firstborn daughter good bye forever. I would not be who I am today. My firstdaughter and all my children after, would probably not be here. For all the hardships...and for all the joys...there comes knowledge. Knowledge that moves us on to new lessons. What if I had not done the unspeakable at 15, would I have had a baby at 17? I can remember that day as vividly as the birth of all my babies...the horrible people with signs out front and the smell and the procedure, but most of all...the 30 yr old woman holding my hand in the recovery room, both of us crying and consoling each other.

Many times I have wondered...what if I had kept my firstdaughter, what would my life and her life be like today? On many an occasion, I prayed for GOD to give me a chance for a "do over", to change my mind. How many times I have re lived that day at the hospital watching the nurse taking her sleeping little body from my arms...telling her to grab the blanket I made her and the letter I wrote her, along with the teddy that my aunt had bought her. Being drowsy from the two valium my mom asked the nurse to give me and then still unable to keep from being hysterical and calling my mom begging her to come and get me. The hospital room filled with the memories of my precious little girl.

I love my children and I love my life, I would love to see how some of those what if's might have changed my life, but not if it means losing what I have or who I am. Sometimes, we just have to live our lives the best we can and get past all the "what if's..".