I get it...I really do get it.....

I found out something about one of the mom's from my daughters Soccer team yesterday. We've been talking for awhile and she knew that I had relinquished my firstdaughter when I was 17. She knows about my finding her and how we've been communicating and that I just recently had a face to face with her for the first time. She, as with many others I've told, has been very supportive and intrigued and always interested in knowing how it's going.
Finally I found out why she was so interested, well I'm sure this is not the main reason, but I'm sure it's a factor. She was adopted when she was one, by her grandparents, but she didn't find out until she was 10. She told me her story, about her mother and how she had a brother and sister that were also adopted. She just recently had contact with her father. Due to her circumstances, her reunion with her bparents has been a troubled one to say the least. I cannot fathom what she must feel, because the short of it is, that her mother is far from the way I am. She doesn't want to "know" her daughter, she's in it for herself and herself only.
I tried to tell her what I thought her dad might be thinking, just from a firstparent standpoint. Just listening to her story about her relationship with both of them, was a hard thing to hear. I hoped that my reunion and relationship with my firstdaughter didn't make her long even more for that from her firstparents. I just tried to tell her how I felt about it. What I've learned from listening to all the stories and different opinions and feelings from other firstparents and adoptees as well as adoptive parents. Basically, my feelings are this....as a firstparent, I am not my firstdaughters Mother, I gave up that right. Yes, I am her biological mother, we are linked forever in a way that cannot be taken away. However, in reunion, a firstparents relationship is only what our firstchildren want it to be. No more, No less.
However much, I'd like to be the one she calls mom, I'm not. However much I want to be a grandma to my grandson...I'm not. He has a grandma, and she has a mom....I'm not sure what that makes me really. I call myself a firstparent, but even that doesn't sound right....that's why I say. I get it...I really do get it.

UGH!

Maybe someone else can relate to this, maybe not, but I am driving MYSELF crazy because of it. I am a very sensitive person, I cry at sappy movies, hearing stories of children who have been hurt or killed brings me to tears and makes my stomach turn. I hate being in a room full of quiet people, I will talk about anything just to have it not be quiet...LOL. Which I suppose is the reason my friends say I'm the friendliest person they know...I'll talk to just about anyone. Of course staying at home all the time makes this trait even worse.
I don't have many friends, I have a few that we have our trials and tribulations just like any other relationship, but we always manage to remain friends. However, there are those that I think we are that close and then one day....it's just not there. Not because I don't want that friendship, and not necessarily because they don't either. Just because life continues to move....and you have to keep up. I have a tendency to say things or do things that I don't realise and sometimes that's the reason for a friendship loss. My point is this.
I wish that it was easy for me to just let a friendship go, like some can just keep going like it never was. For me, I dwell on it and dwell on it, almost to the point of going crazy. Mostly, if I don't know why.....if one minute we are and the next we aren't, I go insane trying to figure out what happened. If I know it is just because our lives were so hectic that we lost touch, then it hurts, but not as bad....does that make sense? I just wish I could let go.....because the not knowing hurts too damned much.
For all the friends I have, and for all the friends I've lost....you all have a special place in my heart.

I Don't Feel Like a Grandma.......

I cannot believe that it's been 22 years since I had my first daughter and even though we've been sending messages. Even though I've seen her, hugged her and talked to her. I spent seven hours with her....it's like a dream, if that makes sense. It's like my all my senses know but my mind can't wrap around the concept that she's not that baby that I remember. I wonder if I'm the only one who feels like this, is it easier for some first moms to grasp that their baby's are all grown up? Do some ever grasp that concept of the time that has elapsed? Will I???????
I wanted to sit and talk to her the whole time I was with her and her family and friends, but I knew that wasn't possible. First, because it was her day, a day for everyone to share and celebrate with her. Second, because I didn't want her mother to feel like I was invading "her" space. We did talk, more than I thought we'd be able to, and she had a friend with her, which made it a little more comfortable. Actually, I got a tad irritated with her friend, because she wouldn't shut up! LOL She was a sweet girl, and from what I learned through her and from my DD's mom later, she'd had a rough life. All I kept thinking though, was this is a moment in time that I'd never get back and I wanted to spend as much of it learning and taking in all I could about my DD and if she talked the whole time I'd miss it.
It was and still is very surreal to me. I still feel as if it is all some sort of weird dream. I was always very honest and up front with my DD's mom. When I was still carrying her, I made my decisions and stood by everything that I said. I tried my best to reassure her that even though I had chosen to see my DD after she was born, that she needn't fear a change of heart. Although, I already had a change of heart, I felt as though I could not take back my promise to someone else. I tried to put myself in her shoes, what if having a baby was not what God had planned for me? What if I had put my heart out there for a baby that wasn't mine to hold yet? The thought of losing a child that I'd already grown to love before I'd even gotten the chance would probably crush me. I know not all first moms feel this way. I have feelings of betrayal and anger still, at the fact that I felt like everyone pushed me to that decision. I felt like I was in a corner with no other way to go, no other options given to me. My mom told me it was up to me and she'd help in whatever way she could, but that just made my decision harder still. How could I put my mother through that, she already did as much as she could for me and my sister. I couldn't ask her to take responsibility for my child.
I made my choice and I followed through, however difficult it was, and I made it through with years of therapy to overcome the grief that remained. I cannot explain that pain, the pain that you feel throughout your whole body. Like an ache, an ache that never goes away. Maybe, it's similar to that of a parent who has lost a child tragically? That is the only thing that to me would be even remotely close. OK....now I'm rambling, way further from where I'd intended to go.
It has been over a month since I finally got to see my DD and give her that long awaited hug. Now only a few weeks left before she too becomes a Mom. I am excited for her, I am excited for me, I am excited and jealous for and of her Mom. Even though her mother told me I was going to be a Grandma, I don't feel like a Grandma. I won't get to see him grow, just like I missed out on seeing his mommy grow. I won't get to see all his firsts. I want to feel like a Grandma and in my heart I know I am, but without all the benefits. I am going to see her when he's born, I will stay in a hotel if I have to, but I intend to see my grand baby and hold him at least once. As I did with his mommy before I said goodbye. At least this time, there is more of a possibility I'll see him before he grows into a man.
I made his mommy a blanket and sent it with her when I let her go. I felt it was appropriate to give my grandson a treasure like that too. I also tried to continue the tradition that my mom started for her grand babies, and instead of sewing, I crocheted his. I hope it lasts for a lifetime. I don't feel like a Grandma...but who knows...maybe one day I will.

Is there an expiration date on being tagged???

Well....here goes, apparently I was tagged several months ago for forgetting how to blog. Yikes! I did forget how to blog as well as several other things. I've been a little selfish lately, a trait that I've apparently passed onto my kids :(.

Ok MomChelle, thanks for the tag ;)...LOL. Six random things about me???

1) I love watching TV...look up couch potato in the dictionary and you'll see my name. I have approximately 60 shows set up to record LOL! If I could I'd add more to it, but unfortunately I can only record two different shows at one time...:(...decisions, decisions!

2) I hate, loathe, detest cleaning. I never have been good at it, I used to bribe my sister to do it when we shared a room as kids, she loved it and even at age 5 she was better about it than me! UGH!

3) I'm a pack rat, hence making the fact that I hate to clean even worse...I have way too much Junk. I just can't seem to throw anything away, clothes, kids school papers, even old bills..geesh. I watch that show "How Clean is Your House?", just to make myself feel better. Hahaha! At least I can honestly say my house is not, nor will it ever be that bad!

4) I used to love to read, but I never have time for that anymore. I really enjoy those scary books about haunted houses and ghosts and such. Especially if the stories are based on supposedly true stories. The scarier the better! I've never been much for the Harlequin romance novels, the closest to that is the Diana Gabaldon series.

5) I love spending time with my family, going for walks or to the park. We all have bikes now and when the weather permits, we like to go riding. One of our favorite things to do is to rent a PPV movie and pop popcorn, then we pull out the blow up mattress for the kids and all pile in the living room together. I do like to go out every once in awhile, either a girls night out or just a "date" with my hubby.

6) I just recently have found out how much I enjoy volunteering at our church. I am hoping to get a job in the "Mothers Day Out" program this year. It has been a much needed break and I really love it. This year has been a hard one, but I've also met some great friends and wonderful women who I admire and love that helped me get through. I truly have a newfound admiration for SAHM's and know that I'm not cut out for that job.

Alright, can't think of anything else, and I have know idea who to tag now. But if anyone else wants to share, I'm trying to be more consistant with my blogging and reading others, I'd love to know more about ya'll. Hope everyone had a great summer and hope the first day of school is a breeze :)

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What a Beautiful Journey.......

It's been such a very long time since my last blog. I think I may have forgotten how to do this! LOL
What a wild ride the last few yrs have been. I started looking for my firstdaughter in Feb. of 06 and amazingly found her in April O6, three days before my birthday and a couple of weeks before hers. What a rush of emotions, happy, scared, excited, terrified...relief, the most important of all. That weight of the not knowing for 20 yrs lifted in an instant. She's all grown up, healthy, happy, smart, talented and beautiful..of course :). I sent her the first of three letters, enclosed in a birthday card along with pictures. Waited three months and sent her a second letter, despair kicks in at this point. What is she thinking? Does she hate me, is she still in shock that I found her? Is she as afraid of where this will lead us as I am, now that the first step to reunion has been taken? OK...one more letter, right before Christmas. Still no reply.....I'm crushed.
I am so thankful I found a place where other women share similar stories because I don't think my sanity would have held out without that support system. I was lucky enough to find a group of "sisters" and we created a wonderful bond. We kept each other going...I think....at least that is true for me. They are a wonderful group of women, strong, funny, caring and each amazing in their own way. One can laugh at herself and life, but is fiery and determined and has the amazing gift of being able to accomplish things I wouldn't even tackle! Another is full of wisdom and the awesome strength to juggle both life and family that I would give anything to possess. She can take care of cooking dinner, baseball games and still manage to get her house clean...grrr...LOL. Last but certainly not least is a Rockin Eighties Chick, who remembers way more about the eighties than pretty much anyone else I know! She's funny and sweet and spunky. Anyhow, without them, I could not have retained the little amount of sanity I had to start with.
I managed to wait and wait somewhat patiently, until I couldn't wait anymore. I found her on one of those "myspace" type places and for the longest time I kept checking, because I just knew it was her. Tossing around, do I send her a message, do I sit and wait some more? Finally, a sign! A picture, she posted a picture of herself, my first sight of her all grown up. I was ecstatic, elated and totally freaked out...LOL! OK...now do I send her a message? One of my friends said to "go for it!", so I did!!! And what do ya know...she replied and I finally knew for certain it was her and I just about fell out of my seat. That's where the relationship really started. We sent each other messages for almost two yrs, asking questions, telling little stories about our lives, learning a little every time about each other. We never met, or talked over the phone, but somehow we made a connection and it was strong enough to make her feel more comfortable with me than I realised. Enough so, that she decided to skip talking on the phone and go straight to a face to face. Talk about shocked...I was stunned speechless, because with every message I sent, I was terrified...what is she thinking, did I say something dumb or did I make her mad or upset with something I said? Constantly felt as if I was walking on eggshells. However, she invited me to her shower(baby), yup, gonna be a grandma...I still feel odd saying that. It was an amazing day, I showed up with my second daughter, fifteen minutes early and before everyone LOL. Finally I saw her, not on the computer, not from a picture, but flesh and blood and she was so beautiful. I hugged her, hugged her mom and watched both my first daughter and second daughter hug for the first time. That was the moment that brought tears to my eyes.
The shower was wonderful, we got to talk for a little while, but it was limited due to the occasion. Afterward, they invited us to go to her grandma's and visit. We stayed there for another five hours, ate dinner and talked and talked. I got to meet her brother and hear about when she was little. We talked about the adoption, and we talked about both our families. She showed me her amazing artwork, and her mother told me how she is a beautiful singer as well. It was just an amazingly, beautiful, much more than I ever expected, day.
I want to thank each and every one of my "sisters" for giving me the support I needed to make it this far. And for my family for putting up with my craziness the last couple of yrs. How lucky and blessed I am for having them all.