I Don't Feel Like a Grandma.......

I cannot believe that it's been 22 years since I had my first daughter and even though we've been sending messages. Even though I've seen her, hugged her and talked to her. I spent seven hours with her....it's like a dream, if that makes sense. It's like my all my senses know but my mind can't wrap around the concept that she's not that baby that I remember. I wonder if I'm the only one who feels like this, is it easier for some first moms to grasp that their baby's are all grown up? Do some ever grasp that concept of the time that has elapsed? Will I???????
I wanted to sit and talk to her the whole time I was with her and her family and friends, but I knew that wasn't possible. First, because it was her day, a day for everyone to share and celebrate with her. Second, because I didn't want her mother to feel like I was invading "her" space. We did talk, more than I thought we'd be able to, and she had a friend with her, which made it a little more comfortable. Actually, I got a tad irritated with her friend, because she wouldn't shut up! LOL She was a sweet girl, and from what I learned through her and from my DD's mom later, she'd had a rough life. All I kept thinking though, was this is a moment in time that I'd never get back and I wanted to spend as much of it learning and taking in all I could about my DD and if she talked the whole time I'd miss it.
It was and still is very surreal to me. I still feel as if it is all some sort of weird dream. I was always very honest and up front with my DD's mom. When I was still carrying her, I made my decisions and stood by everything that I said. I tried my best to reassure her that even though I had chosen to see my DD after she was born, that she needn't fear a change of heart. Although, I already had a change of heart, I felt as though I could not take back my promise to someone else. I tried to put myself in her shoes, what if having a baby was not what God had planned for me? What if I had put my heart out there for a baby that wasn't mine to hold yet? The thought of losing a child that I'd already grown to love before I'd even gotten the chance would probably crush me. I know not all first moms feel this way. I have feelings of betrayal and anger still, at the fact that I felt like everyone pushed me to that decision. I felt like I was in a corner with no other way to go, no other options given to me. My mom told me it was up to me and she'd help in whatever way she could, but that just made my decision harder still. How could I put my mother through that, she already did as much as she could for me and my sister. I couldn't ask her to take responsibility for my child.
I made my choice and I followed through, however difficult it was, and I made it through with years of therapy to overcome the grief that remained. I cannot explain that pain, the pain that you feel throughout your whole body. Like an ache, an ache that never goes away. Maybe, it's similar to that of a parent who has lost a child tragically? That is the only thing that to me would be even remotely close. OK....now I'm rambling, way further from where I'd intended to go.
It has been over a month since I finally got to see my DD and give her that long awaited hug. Now only a few weeks left before she too becomes a Mom. I am excited for her, I am excited for me, I am excited and jealous for and of her Mom. Even though her mother told me I was going to be a Grandma, I don't feel like a Grandma. I won't get to see him grow, just like I missed out on seeing his mommy grow. I won't get to see all his firsts. I want to feel like a Grandma and in my heart I know I am, but without all the benefits. I am going to see her when he's born, I will stay in a hotel if I have to, but I intend to see my grand baby and hold him at least once. As I did with his mommy before I said goodbye. At least this time, there is more of a possibility I'll see him before he grows into a man.
I made his mommy a blanket and sent it with her when I let her go. I felt it was appropriate to give my grandson a treasure like that too. I also tried to continue the tradition that my mom started for her grand babies, and instead of sewing, I crocheted his. I hope it lasts for a lifetime. I don't feel like a Grandma...but who knows...maybe one day I will.